TLDR:
My girlfriend (35F) of 2 years woke me up (38M) at 4 AM yesterday and told me that she wants me to leave our house and stay with a friend. Following some recent conversations with her girlfriends, it seems that they’ve brought into question my commitment to our relationship due to having not proposed yet and my girlfriend’s resentment surrounding this has reached a breaking point.
It feels like rather than seeing me as a partner that has valid concerns about some of the unhealthy issues in our relationship, she resents me as the gatekeeper that is preventing her from having marriage, kids and the ability to get on my insurance so she can quit her job for a part time job that will be less stressful and more rewarding.
She has asked for measurable metrics on what I need before getting engaged. I’ve included a list at the bottom of the post. Are any of these unreasonable expectations in a relationship? Any suggestions on how to approach talking through this list in a way that she can receive it without spiraling?
BACKGROUND:
Firstly I’ve changed some minor details for the sake of anonymity. I’ve left my past posts regarding this relationship visible for anyone that is interested.
My girlfriend (35F) and I (38M) have been together for a little over 2 years (and lived together for over a year of that). Early into dating we both made it clear that we both were dating intentionally and looking to get married and have children.
Initially her goal was to find someone and be engaged within a year of meeting them and then married and trying to get pregnant within a year of engagement. This is of course a reasonable timeline given our ages.
The best words to describe her are sweet, kind, hard working, intelligent, expressive, beautiful and very emotional.
While I am very logical, stoic, and admittedly did not grow up in a household where it was comfortable to express emotions. That said, I’ve done a ton of work through individual and couple therapy and now feel very comfortable helping her during times where she is struggling emotionally. I am unfortunately holding back some of my own feelings due to fear of triggering her and damaging our relationship, as she tends to spiral and hold onto any negative feedback I’ve given in the past in a way that feels very unhealthy.
While things are really great most of the time, she has a very fragile ego and her feelings tend to get hurt very easily. This sometimes makes me feel like I’m walking on eggshells, but I can be admittedly avoidant to conflict with my partner so this is partly a problem. To make things more complicated, she struggles with self soothing and is deeply anxiously attached, while I am somewhere between secure and avoidant.
She struggles with diagnosed generalized anxiety disorder and was on meds, but has been off them for over a year now due to wanting to get off them ahead of future children.
She also got off hormonal birth control over a year ago because she read studies about how detrimental it can be to women’s health and she was speculating that it might be part of why she experiences rapid emotional changes. A few months ago she said she believes she has PMDD though it is not yet confirmed. While her emotions ebb and flow with her cycle, the problems we have are not tied directly to that. Other symptoms that align with this include heat flashes to the point where she sleeps with ice packs, difficulty sleeping, and irregular periods.
She and I both are consistent with both regular individual and couples therapy. Though I never felt the need for therapy before our relationship, it has been helpful to work through some of our struggles and I have learned to become more securely attached.
METRICS:
Measurable metrics I want to see before getting engaged:
- I want to see you prioritizing your self care. If there are chores I can take care of to ensure this happens, then let me know. Please do not overextend yourself, it feels to me like this sometimes results in you getting stressed out and when you’re overwhelmed, it makes me feel stressed and gives me the feeling of walking on eggshells.
- It is completely understandable to want to do check ins, but I’d ask that the frequency of these be reduced to monthly. Lately I feel like I am being pressured multiple times a week about marriage and kids. Whether it be you asking about timing, or you mentioning “so and so asked if I’m married or when I’m having kids and it made me sad”. I feel like this doesn’t do either one of us any good.
- While it is understandable to be sad and frustrated that I am not ready for marriage, it feels like you are harboring resentment towards me because of this and I’m worried that is poisoning our relationship. I want you to talk with your therapist to address the resentment that you’re holding towards me. It is not fair to say something like “I want you to leave the house and stay at your parents.” Or “I hate you for doing this to me.” It causes damage to our relationship.
- I feel like you give me feedback on a regular basis (often regarding how I could have said something differently, or that I forgot to say something that was discussed in couples therapy and if I had done that, then it wouldn’t have offended you), while this was tough for me and sometimes is still is, hopefully you can acknowledge that I’ve gotten much better about receiving feedback and helping to make you feel seen and heard before shifting to logic and explaining what I actually meant. I find myself often holding onto feedback because I’m worried about how you will react. Often it’s less stressful for me to just absorb something than to bring it up and end up hurting your feelings. It makes me feel sad and sometimes frustrated when I’m the one that was originally feeling hurt by you, I bring it up, and then it hurts your feelings and I’m left in a situation where I feel like I have to console you for bringing it up in the first place. I want you to show me that you can receive feedback in a constructive way and self regulate through these scenarios without escalating.
- You are a smart, hardworking, beautiful and amazing woman, do you know that? I want you to understand that I am not holding you hostage in this relationship and if you are unhappy, or the marriage timeline is a deal breaker, then you can do what is best for you.