Hey all,
First off, this is a throw-away account so my ex can't trace this back to me. I'm currently in the process of getting divorced and processing a lot. The whole experience (which has been going on almost a year) has been pretty traumatic as it was very sudden and I did not initiate it, nor did I see it coming. It's caused me to really go back through our 11-year relationship (7.5 years married) and examine all the things I wouldn't let myself look at while we were together. Y'know, the whole 'when you're wearing rose colored glasses, red flags just look like flags.' Turns out there were some massive red flags. This is one of them, and I could use some outside perspective.
During the brief 'discussion' we had before he left, my ex brought up some intimacy issues we'd experienced in the past as one of the reasons he was 'unfulfilled by our relationship' (among many other things). We had some unexpected struggles in the early years especially, and I guess he blamed me for them and never forgave me, despite telling me over the last year of our relationship that our sex life was what he'd always dreamed it would be. What surprised me was that he mentioned there was one time I "even passed out during sex" and he apparently didn't care? Like, he said this in a way that seemed to imply I should've been angry at him and he was angry I wasn't? I wasn't quite sure what he was getting at or what his intent was in bringing it up, and I didn't have think to ask further about this.
I have a vague memory of the experience he mentioned, though, if this is what he was referencing: We'd been drinking a little and getting experimental in stuff we wanted to try in the bedroom, one of which was some kinky stuff, like choking. Please withhold any comments about this practice specifically, I'm well aware of the arguments on both sides. It wasn't the first time we'd tried it, but it was the most intense. I don't remember losing consciousness per se, but I remember feeling a bit disoriented at one point, and it took few moments to pass. The thought did cross my mind that maybe I'd passed out for a second, but I assumed if he was still, uh, going, then I must not have. I know being choked out can be part of the kink, but we never discussed taking it that far so I assumed he'd stop before it reached that point. I never brought it up to him and had always kinda chalked it up to getting lost in the experience combined with alcohol and haven't thought much about the moment over the years, though I also wasn't ever really comfortable trying it again. But him bringing it up like that grabbed my attention. I think this happened back in '22?
Was this assault? I want to say no since I consented to trying it and we had tried it a little before, but I also know I'd be up in arms if a friend told me her husband continued having sex with her after she passed out, or after he believed she had passed out. Then again, it can also be part of the kink and neither of us said passing out would be a boundary, so I've been blaming it on unclear communication. On the other hand, if he ever lost consciousness during sex for any reason, kink related or not, I'd have stopped immediately... I get stuck going in circles trying to justify it both ways. Insight would be greatly appreciated.