u/IliketheBigGuns — reddlx

I am a very bad person! I lie all the time! About doing my schoolwork, about my personality. My parents found out about my schoolwork and how I haven't submitted it for a long time and so my dad called me a "fking liar" and while I already knew that, hearing it out of someone else's mouth is different and it really set it in for me that I probably never will be able to live properly, and that I will just be a bad person for the rest of my life. That is just embarrassing to be, and I don't want to think of myself as one of those idiots a lot of people describe whom have no self control and live in filth and laziness! So I tried to dive off of this gate into some junkyard a lot of feet below after school yesterday, but as I was considering if it was worth it and how much that would affect my dad, some woman was watching me from a nearby car and saw me look over to check the distance down I guess? Anyways I just went home after that because when she went back to her car she didn't drive away. She seemed kind, and she wore only green so when I saw her I thought she was a lime.

So now I am making a second attempt at being a better person! I used to try sort of extreme methods which were mildly successful (as that the constant sharp pain would remind me to be a good person) but if you do it in the same place you stop feeling it after a while (or maybe simply just get used to it?) and I didn't really like how it looked on me.

I think a lot, and for a longish time though not too long since I am still young (I am a soph!), I have thought that my own issues were that I can never feel gratitude, guilt, or longterm stress and so there is really little pull or push for me to truly pursue anything for either myself or others. Everything feels so plain, and my brain feels so empty and so I've always just felt very moronic in that aspect. I was thinking that perhaps meditation would be help, but a while ago I sat down for a good 10 minutes and thought really hard about how lucky I am but I couldn't feel grateful. My parents let me attend 14k in summer programs over the summer (and we are not rich -- this was a stretch) and I was just happy for it. I was gifted a trip to Paris from my grandmother recently and It was just yay. I understand that my dad works incredibly hard and sacrifices sleep to pay for my stuff and future college tuition and I admire him for this work ethic, but I really couldn't care less even though I love him a lot. I feel extremely stupid when someone is screaming at me and crying, disappointed in how terrible I am, and I can't get myself to cry and hate myself with them, and all I think is that they're being really loud or not making a lot of sense. I can't talk to anybody about it though because my dad will misunderstand me very badly, and he doesn't feel good about things like that.

Anyways, I've always read about things like people losing a sense and being able to make it up with another, or using an external system to check themselves (like the guy who used a balance ruler on his glasses since his internal balance was off -- though I read this in an Oliver Sacks book and it turned out he apparently fabricated all his psychology memoirs). Could there be something similar for me? I know this sounds REALLY weird, but for like a year I've been fantasizing about having longterm stress. I was thinking of consuming raw caffeine every few hours, but I don't want to break out. But one time I chugged this instant expresso packet raw and I felt so nervous to the point that my thoughts were really circling another! I just hope longterm stress is more diminished in that aspect!

Read this part if you are a nice person:

Additionally would anyone mind describing gratitude in as much detail as possible? is it like a physical feeling? I could not find anything online. and guilt too! does it make your head feel heavy? That is what I have always thought. Also, sort of irrelevant to the topic but how does your personality feel? Do you have to keep it constant and make sure you have the same voice, way of speaking, facial expressions, method of interacting with others, stuff you do with your hands when you are not paying attention or is it something that passes through you and you don't realize it at all? I seriously have no idea if I am alone in that or if it is a taboo that we have all collectively decided to not talk or even write about.