u/Iiketearsinrain

Not in a creepy way. Not in an “opportunistically slide into the DMs and try to turn the conversation sexual” way. Not in a stalker way. But I want someone who I am GENUINELY attracted to, to be all about me, just for once. To do the verbal tango with me. To enjoy the build. To ask me interesting questions because they want to know everything about how my mind and heart works. To pursue me with passion and commitment because for whatever reason they think I’m worth it.

I even recently slid into the DMs of a guy I was attracted to, and I obviously intrigued him with my witty comments, because he engaged back. But I still had to steer the whole thing and do all the philosophical stuff - and it fizzled for me because he was low effort enough that it no longer felt fun.

I just want to feel so deeply wanted that someone actually wants to stay up into the late night on the phone with me, talking about everything and nothing. It’s been so long since I felt that way.

I want someone to want me hard. The way I want them.

I am continually disappointed by reality. I know that’s nothing novel, and a lot of us feel that way. But it’s kind of sad and pathetic at times how much I live in my own head. I seem to be happiest when I am alone, but imagining “potential” events, friendships, lives. I ride my bicycle around the neighbourhood on quiet summer nights. I see and hear people sitting out drinking beers, music on, grilling up some hot dogs, roaring with laughter. I imagine if they were my friends - what it would be like to be sitting there with them. What would it be like if they saw me and invited me in? What would it be like to have a group of friends who loved me, to sit and laugh with? I remember that feeling. I wonder what it would be like now when I need it most.

I imagine girls nights. Movie nights. Themed parties I’d throw. The cute photos people would take of me. The cute captions they’d put on those photos when it’s my birthday, the sweet things they might say about me and the times we’d shared. The kind of value they might take from the friendship. Road trips. Vacations. Community. Being interested in similar things - what would it feel like to have close friends like that?

Birthdays roll around every year and I think “do I have enough friends to have a get together of any kind, yet?” The answer is always no. But I imagine what it would be like to have dinner with friends for my birthday, maybe they’d surprise me with a cake. Maybe they’d sing. I’d get embarrassed and hide my face but deep down I’d be so happy. Maybe I’d happy cry a little, tell them how grateful I am to have them.

Maybe I’d have girlfriends who did brunch, or after work cocktails. Wouldn’t that be nice?

Is this is a total fantasy? It seems to me that people around me do have friendships like this. But I haven’t found my people. I never have. I’ve been looking intensively for decades and I’ve realised they’re probably not coming.

So I just imagine them instead. What they might’ve been like, what we might’ve done together. I’m in my late 30s now - the “living out the 20s I never got to live out” thing is getting less cute by the year, but what can you do when you’re desperately lonely and just want to have all the experiences you feel like you never did. So I keep looking, the ever-stubborn optimist, on some faint hope everything will turn around some day. But I know deep down it probably won’t.

Does what I described just sound like your normal life? Does it exist? Do many of you have this? Or does anyone else literally live a whole life in their own imagination, like me?