Feeling like a complete loser.
Lately I’ve been feeling like I am living like a loser.
Also adding to that the feeling of being unlovable at all times. Every night I cry myself to sleep thinking that maybe there isn’t anyone made for me. Asking for help to my friends seems like I’m being a burden on them. I’m in my room most of the time and I’m using alcohol and cigarettes to numb this feeling. I’ve been drinking 4 days a week for the last 4 years and smoking is like I do at random whenever I feel a little bit of stressed which is more than 20 a day easily. When I’m not drinking or smoking I’m studying and I don’t really have much time to do anything else. I used to go to the gym but I had an injury which I’m still recovering from so now I can’t go there either. All my friends are in different cities and I have a hard time making new ones so I’ve stopped talking to people. I don’t have a girlfriend. A couple of failed situationships nothing more than that. I have a hard time believing the fact that anyone could find me attractive enough to be in a relationship with me. My self esteem and confidence are down to the extent that when I’m talking to someone I would try to end that conversation as fast as possible. I also have a hard time acknowledging the basic human emotions. I don’t remember the last time I genuinely laughed loudly. It feels like god is punishing me for something, I just don’t know what. Some nights I would say that it’s karma and I deserve it but I don’t recall doing anything that bad really. The place where I study, I’m surrounded by people all the time and we talk but I don’t trust any of them enough to talk tk them about my life and what I’m dealing with. I portray myself as a solid funny guy whose life is amazing and has no problems whatsoever. None of my friends text or call me until I do it first. And looking back at the time I spent with them 4 years ago, I feel like they never did anything first until I went out of my way and talked to them. Be it making plans to hangout, going to a party, even birthdays. Maybe I’m just meant to be the backup friend they can always rely on when they have no one else to talk to. Same goes for my failed situationships, they all ended up saying the same thing, “You’re too nice for me, and I just want to be friends with you”. At this point I’ve stopped approaching women all together. I’ve had a total of 4 situationships and I stopped talking to anyone new after the 4th one ended,after us talking for almost 6 months and every time I used to ask her to go somewhere to eat with me she would refuse or make up excuses. I’m jealous of seeing people around me finding love so quickly in a matter of weeks. When is it my turn to feel loved.
Well that’s it, I’m open to hearing your thoughts on what I should do cause I can’t figure this out on my own.