And suddenly- I looked around at all my Art in the making- Genius. Wow. The night before last I stayed up a few extra hours wanting to Create. With everything in me, I forced myself to follow suit w my partner and lie down. But I just laid there wide awake-day dreaming. Pulled a fast one on myself and skipped my afternoon dose yesterday- and I created, created, and crashed-Exhausted. Woke up 14 hrs later- sad. There she went. I hope she’s not gone for too long. I missed her so much- it’s been so long. I miss her already. They say it’s damaging on the brain to let her-run wild- to let her BE. “Everytime, a lil more damage is done.” So, I try as hard as I can, to stop her. -How sad.
My experience living with bipolar 2. Unmedicated because Side Effects. Lamotrigine had me acting a fool- Lithium was stability for a few years, until it started to wreak havoc on my thyroid. I lost 20 lbs, was so ill, I could barely get out of bed. Was switched over to topiramate. Within 3 months, I continued to lose weight, my body went into a false pre menopause. Weak and terribly ill-109 lbs- I told my Dr, my body is too physically weak for any more of this medication.
Within one month, all premenopausal symptoms were gone. I had a regular period again. Two months and I’m beginning to gain weight and feel healthy.
Month three- and we are here.
Feeling pretty heartbroken this morning. So I’m going slow. Journaling in my garden, surrounded by beautiful- I built this. It seems, right now, just for this moment.
Deep breaths. Just BE- but then I remember - just BE, but not too much. Heartbreaking.
So, I spent the day going Slow. Intentional. Forced myself to put on my favorite white dress. Went to the forest and foraged, stopped by the creek and wandered- went to the garden and cut. Kept reaching for that creativity but there was no answer- so slowly I built- hour after hour- each cutting I took intentional. I put all my energy into one slow intention after the next. And then- the sun began to go down. Exhaustion came over me. I slept, peacefully.
Today’s a new day. I’m ready to get back to work. Time passes weird in the in between- could have sworn it’s only been a couple days- but the calendar tells the truth.