Need advice
Alright so.. first off I want to know if anyone else has experienced this or can relate. And I know this will sound crazy, stupid and ridiculous,
But in my life I always notice a pattern, every time I start sinning more and remembering Allah less, and do less good deeds, my life always becomes easier, and feels simpler,
And every time I start trying to increase my Imaan, do good deeds, read more Quran, ext, my life starts becoming harder, I start feeling more stressed, even small things like maybe tripping and falling, and that kind of thing starts to happen more,
Because of this I have become afraid to be a better Muslim and a better person,
In the past I would make dua regularly to be a better person and a better Muslim,
After some horrible traumatizing things happened to me, I stopped making those duas,
I hardly read Quran.., and even if I do it's only like a few super short ayahs, like surah nas or Ikhlass, or any random very short ayahs,
Speaking of reading Quran, the last thing I would like to add is, the main reason why I read Quran very little now is, because I have read and heard that you can't read Quran (in Arabic) unless you have Wudu, I have some health problems, and I get gas, and have pass gas (fart) a lot, like all day sometimes, especially depending on what I eat, (I'm lactose intolerant)
And of course because I'm kinda of lazy, my Imaan is super weak, and perhaps negligence...
Any advice?
Anyone have a similar experience?
TLDR: I stopped/Am afraid to be a better Muslim and person, because life always gets harder when I do.
I read Quran less, because I need Wudu to read Quran. And because my Imaan is weak.