WIBTA: Families meeting the first time… do I have to go?
Please bear with me since English isn’t my first language.
My sister got engaged with her bf and announced it on my birthday at midnight in a family chat. But she couldn’t wish me a happy birthday. Her excuse was that I have her blocked on WhatsApp (will explain later). But whenever she needed something she could text me without a problem on instagram. She then proceeded to send me a DM with an Engagement picture and a lousy happy birthday. Three days or so later.
She now wants to introduce his family to ours and asked me if I would be around so she can arrange everything with my parents. Would I be the asshole if I just didn’t attend?
We never had a relationship at all. Maybe when I was a toddler but since I can remember she would always hate the guts out of me. We are three siblings, she‘s the eldest and I‘m the youngest. I used to idolize her but as years went by that changed cause I could never bring her to like me or to just tolerate me. Our parents were very strict with her and then with my other sibling and I they got more relaxed. When I was around 3 years old I think, my mom had to go back to work. She would leave food for us and we would watch TV till she got back home. I don’t really remember my sister (let’s call her Dolores) ever changing my diaper or bathing me or like really nurturing me and my mom also said that she had never had to like be my actual mom and care for me that way cause my parents were gone for work. And when I started kindergarten my mom would drop me and my middle sister off (let’s call her Arabella) at a friends house. When I grew older (8-13) years old my mom would allow me to go to friends house and this seemed to anger dolores since they weren’t so relaxed when she was my age then. She wold tell my mom that she has to be stricter with me and control and hit me more cause I was getting out of hand. I was being a child. Playing with friends, not very enthusiastic about homework and school, more interested in the worl around me etc. She would go through my phone and when she saw that I was texting with boys from my class she would tell on me and then my mom or dolores would confiscate my phone for a long time. They were harmless chats. I used to cry myself out in some of those chats cause I was very depressed from a young age. My parents weren’t around that much and were struggling with money and my dad was/is an alcoholic and used to fight almost everyday with my mom. It would get very loud and violent sometimes so that my siblings and I had to go between them. They didn’t like that I was talking with my friends about this and my mental Health. I always felt left out at home, like the black sheep, like no one actually cared if I was around or dead. They would then make fun of me and say that I‘m acting like as if I‘m a victim or like as if I were cinderella. That I‘m always telling people how my family mocks me, my appearance etc.
They would tell me stuff like I‘m fat and ugly, that no one will ever love me. That I smell like rodent. That I‘ll never achieve something in life. That I‘m dumb and won’t get a degree in anything and will end up cleaning the bathroom for my friends. My parents and my sisters would make these type of comments.
Whenever we went out to a function my siblings could laugh and do their thing but I had to sit close to my mother and wasn’t allowed to laugh etc. people would compliment my smile and say that I‘m always shining and when they left my mom would tell me to stop smiling and to stop trying to attract men (I was a child, again. All I wanted to do was go to my friends and play with them). Dolores would also stare me down whenever I was talking to a friend who‘s gender was the opposite and then my mom would call me back to her and pinch me and tell me to behave.
On Dolores 25th Birthday we threw her a surprise Birthday Party. One of the guests blurted out that the present she got for her was gotten with her move in mind. She didn’t tell me or my parents about moving out till there were only some weeks left I think. She told me one of the reasons she’s moving out was because of me and my dad.
Some years later when I was in College my mental health declined and I went to a clinic. They would threaten me and tell me they‘ll disown me if I don’t come back. After my stay there I moved back home and then some years later I moved out cause at home things would escalate between my dad and my mom or they would get angry at me for not cleaning my room and always sleeping etc. I would get hit from my mom or my siblings till I moved out some years ago.
I went to therapy for a very long time. My family was against it but I still went. I was never angry with my family or hated them. I was sometimes angry with my dad cause he chose the booze over us. Sometimes I was angry with my mom cause she chose to stay with my dad instead of protecting her and us from him. But I also understand them and realized through therapy that it’s not that easy and not really my decision but also not my responsibility. They couldn’t love me the way I needed it cause they didn’t know it better. They acted the way they were taught to and thought that was the best for us. But I needed affection and appreciation and some encouragement not parents who would hit me cause they got in a fight or someone else stressed them out or something happend and I got the blame for it and my punishment would be getting hit. I know that they were young. Probably didn’t even wanted to have kids and just got married because of pressure and had kids because of the same reason. I‘m visiting them whenever I can and I cook them something new everytime I visit them. I don’t have a lot of money but with the little money I have I buy the freshest ingredients and try to spoil them cause I want them to live their life and try to enjoy it cause it’s never to late… we go on hikes or visit new citirs we‘ve never been to in our country and play games or I ask them about their childhood, family or anything that I feel like they like talking about it.
Back to Dolores. Since I moved out our relationship never got better (we had some meetups which were nice but some days later we always got into a fight). One time we went to a gathering with two of our close family friends and I‘m very close with the little brother. I always looked at him like my own little brother. Before we left to go pick him and his other sibling up I changed my top inside the car real quick since the car was still inside the garage and no one except my both sisters in the front were inside. After we picked them up Dolores later realized that I had something else on and accused me of being a pervert that I changed infront of him and I would take advantage of him etc. That I‘m disgusting for changing infront of him. She never apologized for it and says that I‘m always very close with him and that it’s embarrassing how I behave with him infront of his and our parents. I asked him if I ever made him feel uncomfortable or anything and also asked his sibling. Both of them told me to ignore Dolores since she’s always accusing me of something or is mean to me without really having a reason. I told her that everything else I could manage but her accusing me of doing something to someone I saw as my little brother really hurt me. I always wished for a little sibling that I could love unconditionally and then she comes with comments that I‘m a pedophile etc. when I would never harm or hurt anyone with the intention to do so.
Some years later she invited me over to her place with my bf for dinner. I was surprised and actually very happy about it so we went. at first everything seemed very nice. We talked about different things. Here and there she would make comments about how dirty I was and how dirty my room was but my bf just replied with that he can’t imagine that being the truth since I‘m always cleaning at home and keeping stuff clean. I can’t really relax in a clustered room or with a lot going on. She still made some comments but I didn’t really acknowledge them. I don‘t know what really was the subject but somehow she said something like the lines: oh you could have asked/texted my bf then. I then foolishly made a comment that she told me to not text her bf without her knowing. One time I was alone with our two close family friends and her bf. The two others were talking so her bf and I were having small talk. He asked me what was happening in my life so I told him that I‘m mostly occupied with getting furniture and everything ready for my move. I told him about a cabinet that I really like but didn’t know how to transport it. He asked where it was and told me it was only like one village away from their place. He then said that maybe they could help with it since my sister was also getting some furniture. I told him that maybe I‘ll get back to them about it but I would let dolores know then if I really needed it. Never would I have really gone through with it cause I never asked Dolores for anything. She also never showed interest so why should I have? She then texted me a day later angrily how dare I talk with her bf behind her back and ask him for help. Then at the dinner she said I texted him behind her back etc. things escalated cause she started blaming me for almost everything in our childhood etc. I stayed calm but then she wouldn’t let me speak and was only verbally assaulting me. She then proceeded with grabbing me by my scarf and that’s when I couldn’t keep my calm. I started yelling at her and told her to back off that the times were over where they could just hit me and assault me that I won’t take it anymore. If she was ready to really talk and listen and behave respectfully then I would be ready to talk again and until then she’s dead to me.
She then apologized via Whatsapp some days later but her apology was just something like: I‘m sorry I did most of the things because of our mother and the fucked up way they brought us up. And that I also wasn’t a easy child and always brought shame to them or was stupid and missbehaved etc. That’s not an apology. That’s blaming everything and everyone except yourself for your actions. But yeah I‘m the immature and selfish one. She then proceeded with demanding prove that I didn’t text her bf. Texted even my bf to check my phone cause she’s not crazy and only made a fuss about it cause I texted him. I even started to question myself and checked the chats on Instagram and Whatsapp with my bf next to me. Turns out I was right. I never texted him.
I don’t even want an apology from her just want to fit in and be enough for them. But that‘ll never happen cause she’s in a weird competition with me since I can remember and has her weird complexes. I would go anywhere they would ask me but end up driving home early crying cause she would always insult me or say something about me or my appearance or something I did. I really liked to sing and everyone I knew would compliment me on it. She would tell me to delete covers I‘ve taken where you can see my shoulder or bra STRAP cause I‘m fishing for likes through being a hoe not through talent. She would also tell me to stick with covers instead of trying to write my own songs. I know that she had to suffer a lot in our childhood. I know that my parents weren’t easy on her. I know that she was and is still struggling with mental health. But so was my other sibling and I? So were my parents? I‘m not letting that anger out on them cause I can’t cope with it. I‘m telling her that I never was angry with her or hated her or anything else. It was the total opposite but she still treats me like dog shit. She even respects dog shit more probably.
I‘m really done trying to be accepted when for them it was always just four family members in our family. I have a wonderful but still sometimes difficult relationship with my parents. But they grew up with that mentality and yeah that’s an excuse they could still learn and change and they actually are but still… my siblings grew up with two different cultures and new inputs and would live those new life styles but whenever I wanted to do the same I was punished for it. I‘m done with them cause it just hurts and breaks me more. I know that I wasn’t easy or an angel but still I was a fucking child and a lot of the things were really just physical and verbal abuse that no one deserves. My friends always tell me to never talk or meet with my siblings also my therapist says breaking contact with them would be very understandable but I never wanted that. I just wanted a big happy family that sticks together.
Yesterday she texted me around the evening asking if I would be around on the Xth of y month cause her now fiancés family would come visit our family for the first time and then they would talk about the wedding etc. She gave me time till night yesterday. I didn’t respond yet.
I don’t want to make a big scene etc. but I‘m also really tired of always sticking up for them when they have something but being left out in everything else or being treated like this. So would it be mean or selfish if I didn’t go?
Sorry for writing sooo much… i really hope that it’s understandable and if you have any questions pls let me know. And pls be kind… I‘m really scared of what’s going to be the reaction I get from telling this here…