u/IdeaInfinite2834

I had nobody else. Im doing all the things youre supposed to after a breakup, gym, study, take care of myself. But no matter what i do it feels so hollow. We were in near constant contact until recently and he was making plans to come back. I freaked out because his words didnt realy align with his actions and i remembered all the trust issues and anxiety crept back. I try to meet new people but no one feels like he did. Dont get me wrong it was a horrible trauma bonded relationship and i stayed through things i shouldnt have. But as bad as it was it had equally high highs. Thats what made it so addictive. I dont know what to do about this evergrowing hollow feeling, about feeling so alone. About the guilt eating me alive when speaking to new people. Its been 3 months since we broke up. I feel like im going backwards. I feel like in between a rock and a hard place. No matter what i do nothing is ever enough to make me feel ok. Should i get on antidepressants?

Its been 15 weeks since my breakup. I have for the most part rebuilt my life. Im close to getting my driving license, im close to finishing my degree. I finally have more money and time i can travel. I parent my 3 kids generally well on my own we have our routines and things are great. I sleep and eat well, I quit vaping, got into the gym. My life is generally very stable and peaceful. But oh my god it is so hollow.

I dont know how to describe it, but hoping to see if anyone relates to how weird i am. I dont have any friends and truthfully i dont enjoy friendships, they drain my social battery without being fulfilling. I centred my life around my partner and doing things with them felt meaningful. Now when i am alone, doing the same things just doesnt feel good, feels just dull. I do enjoy spending time with my children and sharing experiences with them but there is a gaping hole in my life and heart that he left behind which no matter how hard i try i cant fill. Its not even that i miss him as a person, its just having that close one to share life with. I have the opportunity to travel soon, something i waited for a decade and the idea of going without a partner seems nauseating. A lot of the things I loved doing like hiking or drives or going out in general just feels so incredibly dull doing on my own. I put such a weight on that one person to share my life with i cant seem to snap out of that mindset where i am actually happy alone. I dont know if im depressed or something is wrong with me, I cant afford therapy. Life would be perfect if I found someone so relationship centred whod just choose me the same way i choose them, everyday. I am hating it here, i feel empty every day. I just want life to feel meaningful again. Any advice?