I built a stable life, but I feel less and less alive inside it
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I work full time in rotating shifts and have three children. Sometimes I wish I had known myself better before becoming a parent.
As an adult I went back to school, got a higher education, and now work in a fairly well-paid profession. The difficult part is that I depend on someone being with the kids while I work evenings and shifts. That person is my boyfriend.
He’s unable to work because of health issues, which honestly opens up a lot of opportunities for me career-wise. I own the house, and we split fixed expenses. He pays rent to me. He does housework, and so do I.
I was very unsure about letting him move in, but since almost every job in my field requires evening work, living together felt like the most practical solution — and in many ways, it is.
He’s probably the kindest person I’ve ever met. But we are just very different people.
I need momentum, growth, stimulation, and a sense of movement in life to feel alive. He is content with everything exactly as it is. I crave deep conversations and mental connection, and I can tell he genuinely tries, but we just don’t connect in that way.
I need a lot of autonomy. He needs closeness. I often feel suffocated.
At the same time, I feel increasingly turned off by his lifestyle. He has no interest in healthy food or trying new things and basically only eats beige food. I LOVE cooking and experimenting with recipes, but when he won’t even taste things, I lose all motivation to cook. I’m tired of pizza and hot dogs.
Most of his social life exists online. He games a lot. I want to get out, meet people, experience things.
Before we met, I had just gotten out of a controlling relationship with elements of psychological abuse, and honestly, I did not want another live-in relationship. But this arrangement was practical. That’s the truth.
Now I feel trapped.
What’s the point of earning good money if my ability to work depends on having another adult at home helping with the children? I’ve looked at the numbers, and financially I probably could survive alone. But then work becomes a huge problem. I would likely need to reduce my hours, which would make finances difficult again.
I don’t know what to do.