Based in rural Scotland. My partner has been abusive to me, mostly verbal with some physical. It's mostly towards me although occasionally in front of our 3 year daughter. In his view there is always some provocation. He's a very smart guy and he means well so things are good when they're good, but he is very nasty when he's angry. He has some sort of neurodivergence and gets very overwhelmed/dysregulated when upset.
He adores our daughter and can be a really good dad. He's tried his best but that obviously doesn't mean it's ok to be abusive. I think I would have a reasonably good case if I went to the police and Scotland has (supposedly) good protection for DV cases. He's trying to separate (currently living together) and wants us to do so out of court to save money/hassle.
What I can't decide is whether to just try and push for a (say) 80:20 childcare split and do it all out of court (although I think this would be hard as he doesn't acknowledge what he's done) or go to the police, have him arrested and get a residence order for my child etc. Cons of doing it out of court are that I would get no acknowledgement of what he's put me through (I can't decide how important this is to me), the possibility that he is abusive/angry towards our child in future when they are alone (unlikely but not impossible) or that he continues to manipulate things in future. Cons of going nuclear are likely spiralling costs for ongoing arrangements (given there would be a non-harassment order in place so everything would have to be done via lawyers) and the fact it would permanently escalate things and basically destroy the relationship completely as he will definitely never forgive me and may manipulate our child to get at me. I can see on paper all that he's done to me but emotionally I'm finding it hard to get my head round the idea of reporting him - but is that just because I'm still trauma bonded to him?
Any advice or experience would be gratefully received, thanks.