25M with a bipolar diagnosis (and I highly suspect CPTSD) and feeling these terrible, terrible things every day. My self-image is beyond negative, it's toxic. It's gotten to a point where I interpret everything that people do around me as a sign that they are utterly disgusted by me, even the slightest possible "signs" like a barista not smiling at me as I order, or no one sitting next to me at a public event. It's bordering on narcissism with all this "they should treat me well explicitly, otherwise they hate me." At one point I had an encounter with a random rude person (I live in a city so this is not out of ordinary), then came home and felt so angry that I self-harmed.
I can literally notice my own mind becoming more bitter and rotten as years go by. I have no idea what "self-compassion" means, like the concept doesn't exist to me. I honestly hate the world just as much as I want to love it. I can't bring myself to love anyone and don't even know the reason, again the concept feels alien to me, even though I'm desperate for love above all else. I've always been described as an "old soul" but feel irremediably childish and immature, which I guess is hardly surprising in this sub.
And I'm existing in this state despite having a life that (objectively speaking) most people would kill to have. Multiple friends have told me, word by word, that I'm living their dream. A few others have said I have literally nothing to worry about in life, and they had known me for years and vaguely knew about my trauma (though not in detail), so this was not some uninformed guess. It pains me all the more, because the gifts and privileges I have are being entirely lost on me, and I might waste and possibly ruin this opportunity I have for a good life with all this pent-up rage and bitterness, unless I do something drastic about it.
I can't help but feel like I'm inflicting this much agony on myself solely by my own hands, or pretending to drown in a bathtub I've filled myself. Like I'm making a huge thing out of nothing. At the same time, I fear that this actually might be a huge thing, a huge problem I need to take responsibility for. I'm utterly exhausted and can't face life anymore. Something will need to change or I'm eventually going to end my life one way or another.
I'm already taking medications. I've tried so many therapists over so many years I lost count. What should I even do?
TL;DR: Basically the title.