My (37F) (I guess ex) partner (35M) of 8 years struck up a friendship with our female neighbour almost a month ago.
They seemed to be in very regular contact and I expressed a few times that it was making me a little bit uncomfortable. When they started going to the pub together I started asking if I could maybe come too because I was feeling very wary and it seemed like the amount of time they were spending together was constant. They stand out front talking for hours. She also has a partner living with her.
He was always quite defensive if I tried to address my discomfort- this has since escalated to him accusing me of being controlling and abusive and telling me he’s ‘terrified’ of me and him ending the relationship. He cannot tell me anything I actually did that made me scary other than the times I tried to address the relationship making me uncomfortable but keeps saying he’s ended it because I’m terrifying.
Obviously I haven’t been able to move out just yet and last night I woke up in the middle of the night to find him gone - which I later found out was because she had phoned him crying and he’d gone out to find her. He did not come home.
He will not give me a straight answer about this woman and is adamant ‘it’s not like that’ but he currently seems fixated. I can’t work out if this is limerance, chasing the dopamine of a damsel in distress or if he’s just a scumbag.
u/Icy-Pressure-2011
I have been with my partner for 8 years. I struggle with anxious attachment while they lean more toward avoidant. I have been struggling with my anxiety a lot more over the last few months for a multitude of reasons and I felt like they were pulling away (which as it turns out was because they were struggling mentally and had basically shut off)
About a month ago they made a friend of the opposite sex and it was like my nervous system went into overdrive. I got very jealous because it felt like they were trying to be around them all the time and I started trying to impose ‘rules’ and boundaries around the friend because I had the terrifying feeling I was being replaced.
My partner had an experience with someone who was emotionally abusive and controlling a while back and they said with everything else on their plate they couldn’t stay in the relationship as the parallels between my behaviour around this friend and their abuser made them afraid of me. They said there is a chance this isn’t permanent but they need time to deal with the things they should have dealt with years back. I am beyond devastated that my behaviour got to the point it did and while they acknowledge that some of their behaviour around the friend wasn’t helpful - I’ve spent the last 48 hours beating myself up about it all. I feel like I hurt the person I care about the most and I really didn’t mean to I was just so afraid.
I (37F) have been with my partner (35F) for over 8 years. About 3 years ago now he was going through a bad time and for better or worse we separated for around 10 months during which time he was involved with someone who did not treat him well in the slightest (think emotional/narcissistic abuse) we’ve been back together around 3 years and he’s seemed a bit off for a few months but whenever I probed he said he was fine.
About 2 weeks back he started spending more time with a new female friend (I don’t know how old, in her 20s I think) and I’ll admit I reacted poorly. I freaked out and was quite accusatory which in retrospect I know I was wrong. She had bought him a gift and I hyper focused on it and was obsessed that she was invasive and had no boundaries (she also has a partner.)
It felt like he was always trying to spend time with her and away from me and I lean towards anxious attachment while he is more avoidant so it culminated in him almost shutting off completely.
In February I was having mental health issues of my own and they became all encompassing and it probably contributed to him feeling unable to talk to me.
It has transpired that he’s been in a bad place mentally since January. He has shut off and lost feelings for me and last night told me he never got over what happened 3 years ago and should have dealt with it more before we got back together, he’s told me I have been the cause of a lot of his anxiety and he often doesn’t want to be around me because of that now it looks like we’re over. He says he still loves me but hasn’t been ‘in love’ for a while.
I don’t know if this is something that can be fixed or if I just need to accept it’s done. He himself has commented that he doesn’t know what he needs or if this could be temporary. I’m absolutely devastated that my behaviour had caused him pain.