u/Icy-Particular8603

Last week, I made the decision to stop being around my fp so much because being around them makes me feel so nervous recently because they've been sensing me getting too clingy and giving me signs to stop doing what I'm doing and so I've been drawing back.

And it legit feels like I'm sawing off a limb.

They said something the other day that wasn't supposed to hurt but it did and I went to bed that night aching all over because my brain didn't wanna process the feeling and so my body decided to instead.

I told them that I'm gonna start not talking as much and not really talking to them about any of my interests because hearing their opinions on what I do with my life are either fucking euphoric or dysphoric and I get filled with so much shame the second they tell me that they dislike a book that I'm reading or don't like a song that I shared with them or don't like a story I'm writing and so I'm not gonna tell them about that stuff until I stop feeling so attached to them in that sense.

And for one I am relieved because the constant need for validation is exhausting no matter how much I feel like I constantly need it, but I think my brain has been yelling at me to move in for several months now because I've outgrown the whole thing.

It still hurts so fucking much tho because I have no clue what our relationship will look like anymore. What will happen to us? Will we stop being so close? Will I feel a lot of shame because I put so much on them to help me regulate my emotions and constantly need variation and approval from them?

The worst part was that when I talked about this, they said that they didn't make me do this and that it was all on me and for the most part, it is true that they didn't influence me to make them my fp, but I also had no choice in that matter because I wasn't diagnosed yet so I just thought we were getting very close and that this is what happened when siblings got close. And nothing had happened. They didn't abuse the whole fp role, they were very careful in making sure I don't feel abandoned all the time after they fucked up one time and didn't talk to me for a while week.

I know that they're not blaming me for making them a fp, I know that. Yet I also feel my feelings and I often believe that my feelings and emotions are facts. And my emotions are screaming at me that they feel resentment and think I'm disgusting. And then I start to split and I CANNOT DO THAT.

Anyway, I need to know if I'm doing the right thing here. I still want to have a relationship with my sibling, but I need to know that after I manage to stop this whole thing and reorient the relationship, if I'll still have them in a good place in my life. Because rn, it looks like I will never have them as someone who loves me ever again because I'm trying to stop this bullshit.

They keep saying that I'm not creepy and that they did the same with my brother (my sibling also has BPD), but I think they're lying.

Is withdrawing a good idea? Like, keeping things private a good start and putting distance between us? Spending days to myself or with other people? Not sharing my interests as much since I'm so sensitive to their opinions?

Anyway, that's what's happening and I need reassurance from borderlines who are further along in their healing stuff or some of you remission folks.

⚠️⚠️⚠️Mentions of SH and SA⚠️⚠️⚠️

This has to be the worst fucking year of my life. I don't know what's even happening anymore.

I've spent the last four years dissociated and last year stuff began to break and around mid January of this year, things have been eroding in my head and the emotional outbursts are back full force and every single thing feels so fucking painful.

I think what made it happen is because I moved way from my parents who were one of the main perpetrators to abuse me along with my brother, but I'm living with a few other siblings and it's been okay, but the emotional outbursts are almost all the time, the numbing comes in for a few days and then wears off and then I'm spiraling and splitting over and over and over and I can't do this.

And I know it's going to get worse because I've realized that my sibling is bridging on becoming a FB or has been and I didn't even realize it until now.

Last night, I was brushing my teeth and then it hit me full force that if my sibling dated, has kids, moved away from me, I think I would off myself. I don't think I would be able to survive that. I could survive anyone else dying or leaving. Yeah, I'd be an emotional wreck, but I would see a way to at least recover after feeling dead for a few months/years, but not with my sibling. I would explode. I think I wouldn't be able to do it. And that's the problem, I think I'm putting all of this onto my sibling so that I won't feel emotions as intense as they could potentially be if I didn't have my sibling there because I look to them to validate these emotions and to feel like I actually exist to anyone.

The worst part of all of this is that my sibling also has BPD (they're in remission), and I brought this up because I feel so fucking guilty for even unintentionally making them a fb and they said that it makes total sense why I would and I just want to throw myself to the floor like a toddler and cry into the carpet, screaming because this isn't fair to them and they shouldn't have to deal with me and they keep saying that I need to trust them and they will set up boundaries and all of that, but if they set boundaries, I won't trust them whatsoever because that means that I did something wrong and in my head if I've done something wrong to them then I don't deserve to even exist.

My sibling isn't the biggest problem tho.

I had a relapse in SH last month and my brother (the good one) put me in therapy and my therapist is so fucking nice and so sweet (I think she hates me) and I keep on just ranting to her about the SA my brother and cousin put me through throughout my childhood instead of just getting the shit done that I need to get done in therapy like getting A R.T. set up, helping me get a good schedule. All I talk about is how angry I am all the time towards my brother and how often I belittle myself for even being angry because it's such a waste of time to be angry at him because it's not gonna do anything and I have a habit of needing to justify myself for being angry but that just makes me feel so fucking ashamed and guilty and because she's a therapist, she has to roll with this and let it happen because I need to have an outlet.

But I just don't know why I've stopped dissociating. I wish I could go back to dissociating and not feeling anything because now I feel everything all the time and I'm constantly scared someone hates me or that I'm not being good enough or that I'm the most attractive person in the room and I'm amazing and then talking backwards on myself into the pits of despair.

And I went to the psychiatrist last week to ask for mood stabilizers so that I could actually function and the fucking psychiatrist said that I just need to work through the trauma of it all and I can't be on pills to fix the problem but idk what to do about that because I just want to do something impulsive or just lay in my bed and cry and cry and cry about how everyone will leave me and I'll never be good and I'm not worthy and goddamn, if I really think that and I'm not acting against those thoughts then no fucking duh are people gonna leave me and I'm not good because I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING BUT SELF PITYING MYSELF and my brother (the good one) and my sibling are being nothing but sweet people who want to help and I am so fucking unworthy of this but every time I talk about it, they say that both of them have experienced the same, but the emotions... My god... The emotions feel so intense that I don't know how ANYONE would be able to experience this and survive.

Does it actually get better or am I just a lost-fucking-cause? Because I'm pretty sure I am and that I'll never get to a point of feeling okay.

And I start university in September and I have no job.

Does it get better? If it does, how? I feel so guilty for asking for validation on this, but if I don't have it, I think I'll self destruct.