Is this grounds for a divorce?
Sorry for the novel, I just can’t talk to anyone IRL about this and need to vent.
I think I have been permanently put off my by husbands bad hygiene. 28F and 26M. Been together 3 years.
When we were dating he would always clean his apartment before I came over ( I could smell the fabulouso), was well groomed and always smelled of nice cologne. We met at work and were friends for a while.
But since being married/ living together I’ve realized we have different standards. Below are some instances that come to mind:
Not brushing for days- I noticed he had an onion-like mouth odour that would permeate our room at night which I couldn’t figure out and started paying attention to his brushing habits, when his toothbrush stayed packed in his suitcase for 5 days after we got back from a vacation was when it clicked- he just wasn’t using it and thought mouthwash was enough. Even when he did brush, it was very brief and I know he wasn’t scrubbing his tongue. I had to nag and insist on many different occasions before he started brushing daily and also at night. He’s a weed smoker/vaper so this compounds things. He also mentioned he has hardened plaque on teeth so there’s clearly a long history of neglecting dental hygiene.
He has a very physical job and would not shower after a shift, climbing into bed grimey and sweaty. I would smell his armpits from across the room. I understand he was tired but it’s not like he passed out immediately after work either- he would be up for hours playing video games w his friends and smoking so I knew he could muster the energy for a shower if he wanted to. Again I had to complain about this and enforce a strict shower before bed/ sex rule which is silly because I feel like a mother policing a child now. He even reports to me most days after his shower/nightly brushing and I’m like okay? You’re supposed to do those things anyway, he acts like he’s doing it for me. Even with sex, I don’t like giving him oral because I can’t be confident that his downstairs won’t still be pungent after a shower. I told him he wasn’t washing thoroughly enough and he fixed that I guess.
We have seperate bathrooms (and bedrooms) and he
keeps his filthy. The tub dirty with soap scum, hair trimmings all over the sink and floor, and worst of all the toilet is decorated with skid marks all the time. It always stinks in there. He always jokes that my bathroom is so nice and I’m like?? That’s because I clean it! When we have guests, I have to rush and emergency clean his bathroom because his is the one that’s accessible from the hallway, mine is en-suite. There’s nothing quite like cleaning up your partner’s shit stains on multiple occasions to kill the spark.
Not changing the sheets on the bed in his room for months- we sleep in my bedroom and I change the sheets weekly, we watch movies in his bedroom and he games in there and the sheets aren’t changed for months. Laying on them genuinely make me itchy.
His socks get really funky and smelly after his long shifts and I get it, I used to work as a server and would often be on my feet for 10+ hours and my feet would stink too, so I got shoes that I could wash frequently and took my socks off and showered immediately afterwards. I told him that i know he can’t help the smell but asked that he at least took his socks off with his shoes at the door, so I wouldn’t have to smell them while he debriefed me about his day. He mostly forgets to do that and I’ve asked several times. Tonight he acted mopey because I complained about the smell again.
He is a caring and kind man and has been stepping up as a partner in every other way. Even the things I mentioned above, he’s taken steps to correct but I resent that I had to talk about these issues sooo many times (he has ADHD) and even tell him I was losing my attraction to him because of it for him to take me seriously.
I fear the attraction is gone. I feel parentified and have to be hyper-vigilant checking if his toothbrush is wet everyday or not. And even though his breath is better, mentally the damage is done and I’m apprehensive to kiss him. I have such a sharp nose and I’m so particular about my own hygiene.
What makes me sad is that he mostly takes on my criticism and is improving, so why does it feel like it’s too late? I’m literally uninterested in sex with him. I want to be with the type of person who prioritizes hygiene in the first place. I don’t know if this is grounds for a divorce.