Apologies for the long post
I’m in my twenties and work in a finance department. I started as an apprentice after finishing college because I wasn’t sure what I wanted to study at university, so I thought I’d give it a try and, if I didn’t like it, I could always apply for uni later.
As soon as I started, I realised it took me longer than my peers to understand things and pick up new tasks, which honestly knocked my confidence. I’ve always known I take a bit more time to process and fully understand things, which is probably why my assignments and exams were usually strong. When it’s just me working through something in my own time, I do well.
I work in a busy finance department where there’s a particularly hectic period every month, and I often feel like I can’t grasp things quickly enough or remember processes until I’ve done them a few times myself. I would get stressed and frustrated to the point where I’d have a sneaky cry in the toilets during my breaks. At times I genuinely thought maybe the job just wasn’t for me. I’m okay at maths, but not amazing at it. I got a C at GCSE, if that means anything.
When COVID happened and we started working from home, I honestly loved it. It meant I didn’t have to answer questions on the spot and could take time to think before replying on Teams or email. While a lot of people were losing their jobs, I felt grateful and lucky that I still had mine and didn’t have to leave the house.
Fast forward five years and I’m still in the same job, working from home, and my pay has gone up slightly since passing my Level 4 exams. I still haven’t done the professional exams because, truthfully, I don’t think I’m clever enough for them. I think my managers have realised that I don’t always understand things the first time, so they explain things to me very carefully, almost like I’m back at school. I know they mean well, but I find it really embarrassing and often wonder why I can’t just understand things straight away when someone explains them to me.
Now it’s reached the point where my managers want me to take on more responsibility, including meeting with stakeholders, presenting budgets, and explaining variances. Over email I’m completely fine with that because I have time to think things through or ask my manager questions before responding. But being in meetings where I have to answer on the spot honestly scares me. I worry my words will get jumbled or I’ll say the wrong thing, and sometimes I’ll even take a personal day just to avoid those meetings because I’m convinced I’ll mess it up and be exposed.
I feel really frustrated because I understand things in my head, but I struggle to explain them quickly or work at the same pace as others. Sometimes I wonder if I should change careers entirely, or if maybe working with numbers and constantly comparing myself to colleagues who seem naturally brilliant at maths is putting too much pressure on me.
At the same time, when I see how difficult it is to find fully remote jobs now, I also feel lucky to have what I have. I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I just feel stuck with a brain that doesn’t seem to function properly around other people.