Managing BPD feels like forcing needles into ur throat on a day to day basis. Normal relationships feel impossible with anyone. Then there’s romantic ones, which is a whole different ball game.
Years of abuse by my parents made me believe I’m unworthy of anything and everything. I didn’t believe that anyone would be capable of loving someone like me. In my friendships I constantly feel the need to do things for them to prove my worth. To show that I’m worthy to keep around. Otherwise I’m afraid they’ll leave me.
Once they do I nod to myself and say that I knew it was coming because nobody is here to stay anyways. I became boring, I became worthless to them.
Then I got into a relationship after serious hesitation and got convinced by everyone around me because they said I need someone or I wont be ok. Theyre right of course but then when I got in a relationship it feels like hell. I get so insecure and sensitive over every little small thing. I constantly doubt that he love me. I feel scared that he’s only with me for sex even when he reassure me. Then at the same time I always want to have sex so he would think I’m worthy of his time. I have so much things to nitpick but I get scared he’ll leave me so I don’t talk about any of it. Then one day it all spill out at once and I can’t control my emotions and want to break up. I block him and then feel so scared he’s actually going to just let it happen so I unblock him and apologized and get so scared that he’s getting tired of my antics. What do I do? How am I supposed to live like this?