u/I_Hate_Math2012

I’ve been with my GF for almost 2 years. We love each other a lot and are extremely close (basically codependent at this point), but this is also the most conflict-heavy relationship I’ve ever had and it’s wearing me down.

A recurring pattern is that she gets upset over some unmet expectation of me, and once she’s hurt/disappointed, I’m not really allowed to explain my perspective without it being labeled “defensiveness,” “excuses,” or “invalidating her feelings.”

Some examples:

• During the biggest/busiest week of my career, which I let her know about ahead of time, she got food poisoning at night when I was coming back home. Even though I was exhausted and overwhelmed when I arrived, I took care of her nonstop — going to multiple Walgreens for the exact Pedialyte she wanted, getting BRAT diet food, making meals, rubbing her back, running her a bath, etc. At the end of the week she told me she was disappointed in how I cared for her because she didn’t like that I was balancing work too. When I got emotional/confused from exhaustion, she said I was trying to manipulate her.
• Another time, I had just gotten back from a stressful work trip with delayed flights, little sleep, and ongoing stress about my estranged mother who I found out recently is homeless. My GF came over, we had a genuinely great day together, made dinner, smoked/watched TV in bed, and I accidentally fell asleep around 9:30. The next morning she was angry and said she felt rejected, sad, and bored, and that she’d rather have gone home with her good pillows than watch me sleep. I explained I was just exhausted and didn’t mean anything by it, but again that was treated as excuses/defensiveness.
• Recently I signed a lease with a female roommate. My GF is anxious about the living situation because she worries she won’t be able to stay over constantly anymore. I had my first real sit-down with the roommate to build rapport and talk logistics. Beforehand I told my GF I’d come over afterward but wasn’t sure how long the meeting would go. The roommate poured wine and we talked longer than expected, and I texted my GF about 1 hr 45 min later saying I was on the way. She became extremely upset because I hadn’t updated her during the conversation and said she had been “waiting all night.” I apologized for not checking in, but also said I didn’t think it was crazy to be fully present during an important 1-on-1 conversation related to my housing. Again, she felt I was making excuses instead of taking accountability. EDIT: Just wanted to add that while I was OTW to her house, she said she wanted to rain check for tomorrow (she knew I had other plans tomorrow), because she is so so frustrated with me.

The hard part is that she often speaks about me in extremes. One moment I’m the most loving/healing partner she’s ever had, her "rock," and provider! The next I’m deeply failing her and I'm not working on the issues she has with me enough. And during arguments, my apology “doesn’t count" if I don't 100% submit to her version of things.

I genuinely care about her feelings and try hard to repair things, but it's alarming that she cannot hold any nuanced perspective when upset. Instead she loses reality completely, makes up her own rules, argues dirty and is brings excessive negativity and prosecution into my life.

I feel like she doesn't actually care about me, because my own humanity/stress/exhaustion never seems to factor into the equation.

Am I wrong for feeling like the escalation and expectations here are unreasonable?

TL;DR: GF gets very hurt when I don’t meet emotional expectations during times when I’m already stretched thin. I always apologize, but if I explain my perspective at all she calls it defensive/excuses or that I'm "never wrong," and it feels like there’s no room for my own needs or limitations in conflict.