TLDR: I told my monogamous, long-term partner that I am polycurious. We want to make this work, but he doesn’t see a world in which it does because he is currently monogamous. Looking for people to share their experiences from successfully transitioning from a monogamous to polyamorous relationship. Thank you!
I (26f) recently realized that I’m poly curious. I live with my partner (26m) of four years and we have a healthy relationship and are building a beautiful life together. We have been best friends since we were 6 years old and love each other more than anything. We want more than anything to make this work.
I have told him before we started dating that I am interested in exploring my sexuality more, specifically with women. He told me that he wasn’t open to that but might be in the future. Through the years, I have been interested in exploring connections with other people but wasn’t able to due to being in a monogamous relationship, and cut those off before anything happened. However, I met someone recently who I connected with very strongly, but ultimately ended up setting boundaries that I was very upset I had to do. This experience made me realize I can’t keep shoving this feeling away. I ended up telling my partner about this person I met and that I don’t think I would be fulfilled in my life if I wasn’t able to explore this side of me and explore other connections with people and that I was poly curious.
He is appreciative of me being transparent, but his initial reaction is that he can’t see a world in which our relationship works out and I’m able to see other people and he is comfortable with it. He seems to be deeply rooted in monogamy. I understand, but I feel like he isn’t as open-minded as he needs to be to make this work. However, after more processing, he said he’ll try everything he can to make this work. He also thinks he is lacking in something, which I’m trying to get him to understand that this doesn’t come from him lacking anything. Even if our relationship was perfect, I would still feel this way.
This is still new and he is still processing and I understand emotions are still running high, as he feels like his life was just turned upside down. However, I feel like he is subconsciously accepting that this isn’t going to work and coming into this with a negative mindset, which I see as setting us up for failure. I am very heavy on mindset and perspective, and believe that we can make this work if we are dedicated and take the right steps. We love each other very much and can’t picture a life without each other.
All of this to say is I’m very nervous to go down this path. I feel like my partner is going into this with impending doom. Does anyone have any positive experiences from going from a monogamous relationship to a polyamorous one? What hurdles were there? What worked? What kind of timeline did that look like and what kinds of work did you do to get to a good place?
We have been in individual therapy and couples therapy from the very beginning of our relationship, which is why our relationship is so healthy. However, I may want to try to find a couples therapist that specializes in poly relationships, as I feel like our current therapist may not have the tools to properly help with this. She even told me in our individual session that she doesn’t know how this is going to work out (encouraging!). If anyone has virtual therapist recommendations in NY that specializes in this, that would also be very appreciated.
I could use any hope and encouragement or advice you have. Thank you!