Salam aleikum brothers and sisters, I have a big problem that really won't leave me alone. The relationship had started with haram and it went so far that I wanted to marry this girl. She was a permissive girl and unfortunately has an active past and I knew you shouldn't accuse a person based on the past.
But I had always felt such fear when I was about to marry her, we have known each other for years, it was very often on and off. And I fall into this trap again and again, the last time I was able to close completely, not a single contact, then she called me and said water damage and she lives all alone in our city, she has no one. So she got me back...
So we were together again, I can't tell you how many times that happened because we are in contact again and every time I regret it.
I was then in the mosque a few weeks ago and prayed, I made a dua in Sujud that she should disappear from my life for good. I have told Allah, give me a sign that she is not good.
In any case, it happened that evening she wrote to me for no reason and that only because I was somewhere picnic with the family, that she said she can dare it. There are so many people, which makes absolutely no sense. But then I also learned through social media that she was in a place full of men with girlfriends and that she was probably up to mischief. That she does bad things
She then reproached me so much, I felt it should be a free pass for these things. She is a Muslim herself, 33 years old, I am 1 year older. I
I then blocked her directly and she hasn't written to me for almost 2 weeks. I should feel good because I know it wasn't meant for me, but it still kills me. I regret it so much to have started this relationship.
I start to think what she did that evening. Is she possibly thinking of me. Did I make any mistake? I
I'm also extremely angry with myself. It was always on off, this relationship had destroyed me so temporarily. It never made me happy either. About herself, she always wanted it to become a marriage. But I was constantly afraid that it wouldn't do me any good. Even after praying salatul istikhara several times. It still kills me, everything...
What do you think about the situation and has anyone ever experienced something similar?
May Allah protect you and give you success.