TLDR Ex wants to be in a benifit relationship after crying in my arms but making it very clear she wanted no contact and no relationship.
So I’ve posted a few times in here and if you want the full picture then please read those.
It’s been 15 days since my now ex wanted to end the relationship after 4 years. She was very clear about no contact. Yesterday she said I needed to pick more things from her house. I saw her handed it off and was about to leave when she asked how I was doing, we exchanged pleasantry’s until she said wait I have a couple more things could you come to the room and grab them with me? I went up and when I was about to leave she asked for a hug and I agreed. For the next 5-10 min she cried in my arms and we got to talking. She was by the door way so when she walked up I moved out of the way so she could get by. She then told me no she wanted me and we made out for a few min. She said she didn’t want that to happen, and We then just talked about our days after everything for a little longer and I then left.
Later that night she asked me about a hypothetical sexual “meet up” at her place because “we both know what we like”. I agreed but also started to pry a little trying to figure what all of this meant. She cut that off and explicitly said “We can’t be in a relationship. I want sex with someone who knows what I like. I don’t want to make things confusing. I don’t want to do this if that is what is going to happen.” We made a day 2 days from now on Thursday. She wants to keep it all secret and shut the cameras off when I come and never tell a soul. It almost feels disrespectful after all the time togeather this is what I get, and I don’t know what to do at all.
I still want her really bad and think this relationship could work. She’s said she doesn’t want that, But I also would like to have those relations with her but I also just feel like a buffer to make her feel better. Like I’m just there whenever she needs. Whenever I see her or converse with her I get back into almost relationship mode and am there for her but it leave me so confused and I feel all these feelings coming back, and I still am confused. The breakup had some signs but more out of the blue for me than anything. She’s been vague about all this and I never got a closer moment or reasons and I know there’s no entitlement to that but I’m really hurt by all of this. I’m just not sure what to do because all day I thought about how much I want her but how much this may hurt after if I’m not able to disconnect the physical with the relationship.
I don’t want to be that call that she gets when she’s sad because of familiarity and such but also so badly want those moment with her again. I’m worried about regretting pulling out of and not continuing this arrangement or being sucked back in every time she calls.