Tl;Dr my disabled girlfriend \[34f\] of 6 years was cheating on me \[36m\] for at least 2 years. I didn't fully accept it until after I recently broke up with her. She was emotionally abusive and manipulative. She is painting me as a physically abusive ex. I am consumed by rage and everything feels hollow now.
I thought I found my soulmate 6 years ago. We talked about marriage, growing old together, and spreading our ashes in the same location. She is permanently disabled, doesn't work, lives with mom and autistic brother, has chronic pain. I work full time, live alone, have depression.
I accepted early on that my partner was not capable of working or bringing in her own income. I wanted to build a life for us no matter how long it took. My goal was to eventually be able to move in with her to a place of our own. I paid for almost everything. I paid for food, dates, tickets/events, gifts, stuff around her house. Looking back I suppose I was a glorified wallet. We live in California so it was a pipe dream that id ever be able to afford a house out here with my barely $60k salary.
Being with her was always towing a line of not being too sexual due to her disability and chronic pain. She also developed trigeminal neuralgia a couple of years in which made every other night a battle between her body pain and mouth pain. I always felt like I was walking on egg shells and sexually she often lashed out at me if I wanted sex as she was in a flare up constantly.
She had numerous medical issues with doctors, dentists, and pursued a malpractice lawsuit. I supported her through all of it. I took her to appointments, the ER, and I did my best to work within her libido and not pressure her for sex.
I am obese. I do not feel I am disgusting, and I am now in the gym 4 times a week. She often commented on how it's okay I'm not conventionally attractive, or that she's the hot one, or that people think I must be rich to be dating her. She clearly viewed me as physically inferior to her.
I started having suspicion that she was cheating on me when she started commenting about messages she was receiving on Instagram from an old friend. She had never mentioned she had an Instagram up until that point. The messages from this friend were clearly a man trying to fuck her. Messages like "you don't have to feel guilty if you roll through tonight" and the like. He was a musician and for a week or so after that I would often see his music popping up on YouTube history / recommendations on our TV.
At the time we both vaped nicotine. One of the store employees was buddy buddy with me whenever I went in alone. I used to shoot the shit with him. One day his attitude was a complete 180. I came home and she mentioned she had "an intimate conversation" with him. I said I wasn't comfortable with her going to that shop anymore so she stopped.
At the new shop she went to I went in with her once. She was wearing a sentimental necklace I purchased for her (Looking back, she actually guilted me into buying her a nice necklace). The guy at this store started flirting with her directly in front of me and commented on the necklace. I watched her flirt with him, talked about where she got it, and didn't even acknowledge a) her boyfriend got it b) the man standing next to her got it c) I was even in the room with them. I spoke up a little bit to draw their attention and she got mad at me in front of him. After we left she was upset that I embarrassed her. We went home and I decided I needed a break from her, that was unacceptable. She denied that she flirted and stated that I was insecure and she can't even talk to other men with me. She told me if I took a break it was over. I decided to stay.
For months after that, she would routinely boast about male and female attention. We were starting to have sex again. Some of her trigeminal neuralgia went away and she seemed to have more libido. I thought life was getting better.
I found condom wrappers in my parking space outside her house. I was in denial. Those aren't from her. Just the neighbors. Weird.
I got a rash on my crotch. Doctor asked me about my sexual partners - just her. Asked about hers - just me. Doctor wanted me to be honest, it's a sexually transmitted rash. I was. Doctor told me to take a treatment. Rash went away. Weird. I mentioned it to her - doctors don't know what they're talking about.
I had a therapist. She didn't like my therapist. Therapists don't know what theyre talking about. I should stop.
I was in denial for a while. I started working out more. I wanted to get in better shape. I was prediabetic, 350lbs, arthritis pain in my knees at 35/36, GI issues
We promised to quit vaping together. I quit. She didn't. She kept going back to the same vape shop. I caught her texting the dude on her phone. I asked her - "oh I need to order through him directly" - weird.
She went through my personal devices 4 times over the course of the relationship. She was convinced I was cheating on her with coworkers. I wasn't. I was making friends. We sat together and she read my conversation history. Nothing bad. I introduced her to my coworkers. First time in 6 years she met any of my coworker, she wanted to leave, she wasn't having fun.
She kept blowing up at me about talking to other women. I work 40 hours, sit at home, I don't drink party or go to bars. I literally don't have any friends in California. Where am I meeting these women?
She started accusing me of fucking other women. She 'found' a woman's brush in my car, lingerie in my apartment, woman's nails on my counter. Where did these come from? She was planting 'evidence' to try to accuse me of cheating.
I tried to break up with her two more times. I was so distraught. I thought I was in love but I knew I couldn't take this. My coworkers and supervisors were concerned. People talked about abusive relationships around me and I had the impression they were suggesting I was in one. I wasn't getting enough sleep. I just wanted to have my girlfriend, sex, and to feel like life was okay again. She constantly bombarded me with guilt and emotion at night before bed, on work nights, often asking me to evaluate things I said to her or console her that no I wasn't trying to hook up with a coworker or yes I do love her and I'm committed to being with her. By the way I need money to buy a vape. I'm out of money again.
She got back onto opiates for her pain- a dramatic battle with her doctor. She called me at midnight again. (I wake up at 6 for work). She ranted for almost 1 hour 30 minutes. I listened. I didn't argue. I let her go. She stated how she's a bob the builder to me, how I'm just going to leave her for someone more attractive and who fucks me more. She stated she's an expert at manipulation and deception, she had to put on a fake face to socialize and blend in with the world because of her pain. She knows how to lie really well and she thinks I do too. She wants a man who will take care of her.
10 minutes into the rant I knew it was over. I told her I was breaking up with her.
The days following, I realized she was indeed cheating. The denial is now gone. All I feel is anger. I lashed out at her and accused her. I got all of the pent up emotion out. She denied all of it and stated I was showing concerning behavior and to not contact her, she's blocking me. Her last ex was physically abusive and she got a restraining order on him. The language she used with me makes me think she's trying to do the same to me. I let it all out in text. I don't care. I just wanted to be heard.
Now I'm single, working out constantly, seriously tackling my weight loss. I'm sexually frustrated. Nobody wants to fuck me since I'm heavy. I don't ever want to love or trust another woman ever again. The bitch that I loved won't even listen to me or try to tell me that I'm wrong about the cheating.
I messaged her mother. I apologized and told her I can't take care of her disabled daughter anymore. Her daughter cheated.
I miss her family and the "life" we had. I spent most of my time with her and her brother/mom. Holidays, birthdays, dinners. I just feel like it was all a lie now.
I scoped her reddit history. She responded to a lesbian penpal request for an intimate relationship. That was 2 years ago.
How long was she cheating on me? How many? Was I just paying for things? How big of a fool am I. Sure this woman was with me and I'm not physically attractive. She just loved me and that's okay.
I remembered meeting a 'friend' of hers 5 years ago. I had the same feeling as I did with the man at the vape store. The feeling you get when you talk to a couple who are hiding that they are fucking.
She told me a month later he was actually her ex.
Just before our final breakup. She was complaining how her best friend was ghosting her. She didn't know why. She let it slip that her last interaction was when she hooked up with her. 6 years after I began dating her, not once did she mention her best friend and her used to hookup.
What the fuck do I do now. How the fuck am I going to trust another living soul. I just want to get into prime physical shape. I'm doing it. I workout at least 8 hours a week. I started training with a USMC veteran at the local gym. I just want to fuck any bitch I can. I'm so tired of romanticism and femine power around me. I feel like I just got turned into a looksmaxxing manosphere asshole Chad by this bullshit.
Silver lining - I got a raise, several awards at work for my performance lately. Funny how that works. I'm being eyeballed for a promotion. I met with the CEO 1 on 1 twice.
I'm so internally conflicted and confused and I genuinely don't know what the next steps are. Thank you for reading this. There's more to the story but my hands are going numb from typing this on my phone. Maybe I'll get back into writing again