Heavily thinking about De-Transitioning
Hi, I don't really know what pronouns I care for atp but I guess they/them is okay.
So I was on HRT (FtM Testosterone, identified as transmasc/agender since 13, now 20.) for about a year total (started in May 2024, stopped in November 2024, then came back to it a year later then stopped in April.) And I've just been struggling, a lot. I originally stopped back in 2024 because of a depressive episode that left me only taking my psychiatric meds, ultimately I ended up feeling worse than I did when I was on it. I went back on it around the end of last year after some convincing from irl friends who are also trans because they told me from being around me I seemed a lot happier while I was on it and they think it'd benefit me to continue my transition.
Obviously, I'm here because I'm questioning basically de-transitioning (again?) and this all stemmed from my friend being flirty with me and calling me feminine things like "goddess" and stuff, and he sees me as a woman- and somehow I'm just okay with that, I don't really pay any mind to it outside of this questioning I'm having. I got more dysphoric after getting my hair cut short (undercut,) I only really got it cut because I wasn't taking care of it anymore due to depression. I don't really know what to do anymore, I feel so uncomfortable no matter what I do- I'm now scared of being seen as a trans man and being unlovable, whereas if I just stay as being a woman I'll be loved and given attention. My boyfriend keeps asking about my identity and how I feel about it and I just keep telling him I don't know, I know he'll support me no matter what but I just can't shake this feeling and I need advice, this has been eating me alive for weeks.
Thank you for reading my post, if you choose to respond- thank you again.