u/IKeepItVague

I really feel like I don't know what to do anymore. I've tried therapy, I've tried medication. I've tried every coping strategy I can think of. My issue is every single night I still feel lonely and depressed and I hate everything about myself. I'm lazy, forgetful, blatantly stupid and I cant connect with others.

I have friends, not close friends but friends none the less. I don't know how to say anything to them. To not be a burden. I don't know how opening up to them would even help anyway I just feel like it's the only thing I haven't done. I don't want to be a burden, I don't want to be the way I am. I thought for years that this feeling was part of being some angsty teenager but it's never gone away. To others please just don't take social connections, feeling content and happiness for granted because id give anything for it.

I don't have crushing problems like most people but I just can't do more nights like this. Sorry for my rambling.

Mandatory disclaimer that I am not currently in any danger and don't expect to be. I'm just exhausted of this feeling.

I don't know what's wrong with me, why I can't just be like another human being. I can't make connections with people, I ended the only relationship I ever had. I'm always depressed and I've tried everything, 4 Therapists, 3 anti depressants and a partridge in a damn tree.

Worst of all I'm so lazy. I work fully remotely and spend every day finishing work, eating a meal straight from an air fryer and scrolling reddit. Sleep, work, eat, scroll, repeat. I just can't face doing anything else. University was the last time I was happy, that I had regular social interaction and I was actually good at something. That's my sole accomplishment in life finishing University with a couple of MSc ever since then it's been downhill.

There has to be more to life than this but nothing keeps my interest. I've tried every hobby, film gym nothing gets me out of this feeling. I think everything is compounded by rejoining tinder last month and having it hammered home that I'm really of no value.

There are no magic words to fix me, I'm not in any danger to myself I just needed to write this down. To throw something into the void of the Internet and in some small way know I put something out there in the world.