Hello all, I'm a 31M virgin who's been trying to get their life together for awhile but I'm honestly lost on what to do with my life. I spent my 20s in a soul crushing job where I had zero social life, and finally left it at 29, spent 30 going through a couple months of therapy(CBT) and six months of Healthygamer Coaching, going out and joining multiple reoccurring social events, and moved to a new city. But I sit here, I don't feel like I'm closer to getting better at anything.
I'm unable to reconcile everything I feel like I missed out on, and how badly I just want to not feel anything about life. I set my small, achievable goals, such as work out 3 times a week, eat healthier, clean up my space, etc, and consistently complete these goals, but I always return to the soul crushing rumination of how much I missed out on and how even if were to somehow fix my life right now, nothing can make up for what I've missed and likely won't experience in my lifetime.
I go do something new every week, and finally got a part time job again(which again feels like a failure and step down from the job I left at 29) but when I have free time I find myself constantly searching online for answers that no one seems to have the answers to. Last week I thought I had finally figured it out, through a several hour journaling/self-reflection session, I finally accepted that I was going to alone my whole life and that having the life I wanted wasn't in the cards for me, and it felt like a huge weight was off my shoulders. But when I woke up the next day it was like nothing had changed and I was back to ruminating.
I'm looking for advice on how to fully give up on sharing my life with someone else, and how to just enjoy life without this constant rumination. Thank you.