u/ICryAfterSexAMA

I (39M) have been married to my husband, Dean, (40M) for almost 9 years. I have a friend, Nate (38M), that I met in grad school and we have been close until about 5 years ago. For the past 5 years we have remained in touch but our meetings have been reduced to every 3-4 months despite living in the same city. I have a child, Lucy (7F), which contributed to our distance as kids take priority.

Nate got married 2 weeks ago to a woman, Lisa (I don't know how old but probably our age? F). I have never met this woman prior to the wedding and only heard about her with discussions with Nate. Nate and my husband have met a lot, as Dean usually comes to our dinners and they interact well as far as I could tell. Nate and Lisa are quite religious, but Nate has never had an issue that I'm married to a man. No microaggressions, nothing. He also told me that Lisa has no issue either.

However, when the RSVPs went out about 2 months ago, it was addressed only to me which I thought was odd. I didn't think it was weird that my daughter wasn't invited, however, I thought it weird that Dean wasn't. I asked Nate and he stated it was a very small ceremony so they were not doing +1s except those in the wedding party. I accepted this and spoke with Dean. Dean encouraged me to go to help preserve my friendship with Nate (and also because he doesn't like large events). My husband is Deaf and large groups of people make him extra anxious. He doesn't lip read well (as, contrary to popular belief, most Deaf don't) and to my knowledge no one else at the wedding knows ASL so he would have to rely on me or technology to communicate.

All was well and good until the wedding 2 weeks ago. I get to the wedding which was at a very large church and filled with people. Not just filled, packed. And almost everyone had their spouses attending, including 2 classmates of ours from grad school who I know Nate probably hasn't spoken to more than once or twice since Grad school. I asked one of my friends, Marty (45M) who said that his invitation said "and guest". I then noticed something else, every other couple was heterosexual. There were no LGBT couples at all. I was upset, but kept it to myself until this past weekend when I saw Lisa at another friend's party.

I asked Lisa if there was a reason why my husband wasn't invited and why I was told there were no +1s if every other attendee had "and guest" on their RSVP and numerous couples were invited. In fact, multiple kids were there as well much younger than my daughter Lucy. I asked if these had something to do with the fact we were an LGBT couple. Lisa acted offended at this accusation and stated that was not why Dean or Lucy was invited. I asked why because, at first glance, this appears to be quite offensive and asked why my husband and daughter were singled out.

Lisa explained that our family wouldn't fit the "aesthetic". My blood boils as I even write this. I asked why my family wouldn't match an aesthetic on a day meant to celebrate love and stated that I felt like my family was singled out for being LGBT. Lisa explained to me that we weren't singled out because we were LGBT but because Dean and Lucy are Deaf. I asked what this meant, and Lisa explained that they felt having an ASL interpreter up front would take away from the aesthetic of the ceremony and distract the guest. She also said that it would be "awkward" for everyone involved because no one knows ASL and she commented and I quote here "plus, it would look very weird if people saw you and Dean throwing your hand signals to each other".

I thanks Lisa for her honesty and said my husband is not an "aesthetic choice" and that our communication is not "throwing hand signals". I told Lisa that I wish her the best, but that her insensitivity is doesn't match my aesthetic and left the conversation.

I called Nate this morning to discuss my conversation after I cooled down and Nate explained that it was Lisa's big day so she was entitled to make those decision regardless of whether or not he agreed with it. I asked Nate, "Well, do you agree with that decision?" and Nate explained that it would have been expensive to hire an interpreter and that it might have been awkward for other guests and for Dean if he can't communicate. I stated Dean can communicate just fine, he has a FUCKING PhD IN ECONOMICS. Nate only replied "you know what I mean". I said "No, I don't". I told Nate I wasn't interested in continuing this friendship if he doesn't show me the same respect that I show him.

I told Dean what happened and Dean told me I shouldn't have said anything and that it wasn't worth losing a friendship over attending a wedding he didn't want to go to anyway. I stated it was more about the disrespect for my family. I spoke to multiple friends and they agree that Nate was wrong and that he was deflecting the decision to Lisa so he didn't look bad.

I guess my question is this, would you end a friendship over this? I am worried that I may have gotten heated and picked a fight/ended a friendship with Nate because of a decision his wife made. Dean insists he doesn't care and "would have tried to find a reason to get out of anyway". For background, my husband is passive to a fault. I joke that someone could punch him and he would still offer to drive them home after. I admit part of my post is also just to vent because I'm filled with such rage and I know if I posted this my personal social media it would cause absolute chaos.