I’m a lesbian cisgender woman, but I often find myself really wishing I was just born male. I always find it extremely discomforting thinking about the fact that I have a female reproductive system, and wish it would just not exist. I wish I had a male body, I wish I was treated like a man, I wish I was a man. I get so horrendously jealous of anyone who was born male, and while I know that trans girls are of course, incredibly oppressed and have lots of struggles, I can’t help but feel really jealous of them, at least the ones that are also lesbians and don’t experience bottom dysphoria. I know I really shouldn’t feel like this, but every time I hear about trans girls (without bottom surgery) enjoying sex as tops, I get almost resentful, and I feel the same towards cisgender men. Perhaps it has something to do with me being a stone top, but I feel like that also has something to do with the fact that I feel a lot of disgust towards the fact that I have a womb. Just writing it alone makes me feel extremely uncomfortable.
It’s strange because I generally present myself very feminine, and I’m fine looking feminine, but I really wish I could be seen as a man by society. Treated like a man, expected to fulfill all the stereotypical roles of a man. I don’t like being expected to fulfill the ‘feminine’ role in society. I dislike being perceived as a woman, and especially sexualized as one. The idea of being sexualized as a woman is terrible to me.
I’ve considered becoming trans, but in all honesty, it just doesn’t feel worth it to me. No matter what I do, I’ll never have the body that I want. Even if I transition and use hormones, nothing will take away from the fact that I’m 5’3, incredibly feminine looking and, well, someone with female genitals. So I feel like I have no choice but to live with it. I feel like I’m better off as a conventionally attractive feminine woman than a 5’3 man without a dick. I just really wish I could magically press a button and become a man.
I really can’t tell if I’m trans or just a very troubled cisgender woman. I’d like some advice if possible, and I apologize if anything I said was insensitive.