u/IBeReadingThreads

I guess this is as good a place as any. I want it to be out there, whatever happens. It's just so weird how things have turned out. You were my best friend, my everything. We were together for 9 years. I was 23, but I wasn't an adult yet when we got together. I'm still not sure how to be an adult all these years later, if we're being honest. I'm like 50% you at this point. I respect the hell out of you and what you overcame. You're such a good person. Everyone around you is made better by your presence. You helped me laugh and love in a way I did not know how, or that I needed. I haven't been able to find it since our last time together. I still can't believe my headlight was out and we couldn't make it to Texas Roadhouse. We had to settle for Zaxby's, and I got you the Peach Redbull that you said was leaving soon. It was so good to see your smile. Now, I'm not even sure you got my last 10 texts. I could be blocked. I've moved up in my job, moved towns, got a new apartment, and done what I could to establish "me." I don't like me without you. I feel like I was finally becoming a real person, and you're gone. I want so badly to hug you and never let go. I feel like I haven't had human contact in years now, but I can't stand the thought of it not being you. You fucked me up, and now you're just a ghost. And I feel like a ghost. I'm so lost. I feel trapped, too. I can't try to move on because I'm scared it's what will keep you from speaking to me again. But you're already not speaking to me. And I feel like I'm dying all alone in this apartment. My new job is stressful and really hard some days. You always helped me unwind and relax. I can't smoke, you broke me of that because you had to stop. I smoked for a while, but I started working so much, and you made a comment one time. Maybe that's why you're gone, because I was weak. I hate it, but I started drinking some to help sleep after not sleeping well for a few days. I limit myself to just a couple, and nothing hard. I stopped being social when I found you. I tried for a while, but I was too weak to not seek attention. We both know I was fucked up as a kid. I think I need praise and seeked out validation. I didn't ever physically cheat, but I did message other girls our first year together. I hurt you and made myself stop, because I didn't actually need it, and I saw the damage. I worked on myself at the expense of you. You didn't deserve that. I gave up the outside world to be with you, and I probably pushed you away. Now, I work so much, and I don't know how to make friends or meet new people. I'm just here, being me, by myself, without you. It was you and only you for years. I loved you with my soul. You made me a better person just to leave after all the work we put in? I don't know what to do, or say. I'm just going through the motions at this point. I want to watch a show and laugh with someone. But, it won't be the 20 seasons of Grey's you put me through, or the Naruto I got you to love. I'm so fucking sad. I just want to know what happened, why I'm unlovable. What was the breaking point? Was it everything finally adding up, something major I said or did? I want to know why it will never be the same. I don't think I'll ever get the answer. It's in the void with this message to no one.