No fear dying. I fear Ageing
People always assume those are the same thing, but they aren’t to me. Death doesn’t scare me nearly as much as becoming fragile does. The idea of slowly losing myself terrifies me in a way I can’t fully explain.
Sometimes I look at elderly people and instead of thinking “aww,” I feel this horrible sinking feeling in my stomach. The thought that one day I could forget names, forget sentences halfway through speaking, need help standing up, walking, eating, existing—it genuinely makes me feel sick. Not sad. Sick. I feel like I would rather die then that.
I don’t want people looking at me with pity. I don’t want to become dependent on others for basic things. I don’t want my body to betray me while my mind watches helplessly. And what scares me most is the possibility of losing my mind too. Forgetting who I am. Becoming a stranger inside my own body.
I wish I could stay exactly like this forever. Not necessarily young-looking, just… alive in the way I am now. Able to think clearly, move freely, laugh without effort, exist without needing someone to take care of me.
I don’t know if this is normal or if anyone else feels this deeply, but the older I get, the more this fear follows me around quietly every day.