CW: Suicidal Thoughts and Attempts
WARNING: VERY LONG POST!!!
I (21; now 33F) met this guy (19; now 31M) through his ex girlfriend at a convention out of state in early 2014. There was a huge spark between us and we became online friends. (Learned that he was also autistic and I connected with him)
Five months after the convention, we confessed our feelings for each other and started an LDR. I was on top of the world. It was my first real relationship. We even said “I love you” just weeks into it and he created an OC based off of me.
Then, the honeymoon phase ended.
I had mental health issues including anxiety and depression, and I was always so sad because we only saw each other (once or twice a year) if we were lucky. And I was the only one who made the effort to book flights to go visit him 90% of the time. The anxiety and depression caused multiple rifts between us. I was extremely open and transparent with him and I always went to him when I was in a mental health crisis. Before I got an ADHD “rediagnosis” as classified as AUDHD.
There was even an instance where he called 911 from his state because I was demonstrating intent to follow through.
Late 2019 I called the relationship quits during a mental health crisis. It started out “as a break” which eventually became permanent.
Over the past 6.5 years I stayed in a friendship with him (still remaining my best friend) deep down hoping that the stars would align and we’d be together again. I loved him so much, I ignored all the red flags.
- I would visit him more than he would visit me (at first I preferred it that way because I preferred the climate he lived in)
- He would stonewall me if the conversation got too deep. He did that even to this day. I felt like I was walking on eggshells just to keep a conversation going with him. He always said that he “didn’t know what to say.”
- He hid me from his parents. They were very overbearing with him and even forced him to break up with me once (it lasted a month) and they didn’t even know me. When I was finally introduced to them, they never thought I was good enough for their son. They always introduced me to others as his “friend.” He never tried to stand up for us once. (More details about them in a later paragraph)
- He stopped wanting to spend quality time with me (which was apparently his love language; mine was gift giving. I had given him my favorite teddy bear from when I was a kid and he gave me his.)
But I was no saint either. I also had some red flags including:
- Leaning on him for mental health support
- Was very clingy with him especially in person. I had terrible separation anxiety from him and I’d cry when he’d leave just to go home and I’d be staying at a hotel or even his sister’s place. When I visited him in person after a second breakup when I told him how much I wanted to move in with him (2 years into our relationship) which I begged that he’d take me back (and that “break” lasted for 2 weeks), I had such terrible anxiety about him leaving that he had to comfort me for at least a half hour in the hotel parking lot that I was staying in. I think I had some unresolved abandonment issues (and still do)
- I put him on a pedestal.
- I made very blunt comments about when he had gained a lot of weight. I had even mentioned that he didn’t look like the person I fell in love with. I was essentially begging him to lose weight. But it didn’t matter when I saw him in person.
- Was very emotionally dependent on him (outside of mental health issues)
- I saw him as a “hero” who could help me get out of my living situation. I was always between jobs and I even dropped out of college for academic failure with no accommodations. I also had physical health issues. That was probably my biggest red flag. He had even said to me that “he didn’t want to be a caretaker for the rest of his life.”
I can understand why he fell out of love with me and didn’t want me anymore. Sometimes I question if he ever truly loved me at all. I don’t know if it was real to him but it was VERY real to me.
After the breakup (right when the pandemic started), I went back to school at a technical college and got a degree in cosmetology (imagine learning your haircuts online! Oy!) I hated it so I tried to transfer to a 4-year private college because I had gotten straight A’s, had a perfect GPA, and even made the vice-president’s/president’s list (equivalent to making the dean’s list) and made the honor roll. Unfortunately dropped out again because of bad grades and it being way too expensive. Part of me was doing all this to earn his respect and love again because towards the end of the relationship, he always on me about getting a job and supporting myself. My dad tried to warn me multiple times that this was “conditional love.” I didn’t care as long as he loved me at all.
At over 3 years since the breakup, I had finally decided to try to open myself up again. I ended up becoming friends with and dating a coworker at my job at the time—who ended being extremely toxic for me. He was honest with me and said that he couldn’t promise me anything in the future, but it never ended up being a full bf/gf relationship. However, I noticed that he, too, had some red flags that were similar to my best friend/ex.
- We both transferred to different buildings and I had to transfer to his while mine was under construction. Instead of being supportive and helpful, he insisted that I’d pretend that I didn’t know him. As a friend. He hid me.
- We had entered a FWB relationship and at some point, it stopped being a friendship and all he talked about was sex.
- He stopped being a friend and always “had a reason” why he couldn’t commit to any plans we made.
- He never acknowledged my passions and interests and even told me to “stop shoving my interests in other people’s faces.”
- I had tried dating a third man (again, no relationship) and he was possessive and upset when I actually lost my virginity to him. (Other times were unsuccessful attempts)
I think he was also AUDD but I don’t think he was ever officially diagnosed. He claimed to be empathetic but he was the opposite of that. I actually cut him out of my life a couple months ago.
All the while, I continued to stay friends with my ex. Because he was my go-to friend to talk about stuff with, I told him what I was doing and oversharing everything about my relationships (bad move, I know). I didn’t have any female friends to gossip and talk about that stuff with (because I don’t typically get along with other women in the long run; I vibe more with guys). So I most likely indirectly communicated to him that I had moved on. During our relationship, we had A LOT of miscommunication issues with both of us being autistic.
In reality, I was dating other people to try to get over him (when I was doing it in an attempt to move on from him because I thought it was the only way. I thought it was working when it didn’t.) and I always compared both guys I had dated to him. I kept falling back to him because I still loved him.
Last year, I went out of my comfort zone and spoke to his parents one-on-one through texting. (There was one time where my mom had gone down with me and met his parents herself. So we essentially became family friends, which helped the process.) I had suggested that I come down to surprise him for his birthday (he was always against the idea of me visiting as a surprise) and we set it up. I even had planned this extravagant “reveal” which ended up not happening. So I ended up surprising him in his kitchen when he got home from work instead. He was very shocked and seemed like he was very happy to see me. And I even got him an expensive gift to show him how much he still meant to me. I even helped his mom bake cupcakes (again, a surprise) for when his extended family got together at his favorite restaurant for a birthday dinner. I thought that I was winning over him again.
Over the next few months, he spent more one-on-one time with me and even showed me a game franchise that I was unfamiliar with and played the entire thing for me through Discord screensharing. I thought more quality time meant something more.
Because our families missed exchanging gifts for Christmas, my mom insisted that we make up for it through Valentine’s Day. I sent him some handmade gifts subtly reminding him about us and even flirted with him a little. No reciprocation at all.
Next thing I know, a couple days ago, he tells me that he’s seeing someone that he met through a family friend. I tried to be okay with it as a friend and pretend that everything was okay. I mean, I should have been okay since I dated other people too, right?
The other night and today, I was in such indescribable emotional agony that I screamed, cried, and wailed into my pillow and blankets.
I realized that I kept my friendship intact with him because again, hoping the stars would align and I would have the love of my life come back to me. I went through this vicious cycle where I thought I was over us, and then I wasn’t.
This morning, I finally cut my friendship off with him and admitted to him that I can’t keep pretending that everything is alright anymore, that I still have feelings for him and never healed. That ending our friendship was the only way for me to heal. And that I did not want to get in the way of his new romantic relationship. Especially since that it would make me feel worse. But I wished him well because I truly want him to be happy.
He himself had never mentioned that he was uncomfortable with me sharing my new relationships with him either. Then again, he always stonewalled me and never communicated with me, so maybe I never understood how he truly felt. But to me, even as I told him what I was doing (as much as I didn’t want to because he was also my best friend), he came off as cold and unaffected by losing his friendship with me. Maybe I never meant that much to him even as a friend either.
All he said that he would he up for playing more video games with me in the future and thanked me for the well wishes, telling me to take as much time as I need. I don’t know if this friendship break is temporary or permanent just like the last relationship break-up. We’re involved in some online projects of mutual friends of ours and I said that I think it would be best if we kept our relationship professional.
My RSD fully kicked in and I’m now stuck incapacitated on my bed (after another episode of screaming and crying in agony)
My mom and a mutual friend of ours thinks I’ve jumped the gun with cutting our friendship off. The friend even telling me that I was a bit selfish for doing so. (Making assumptions and not talking to him personally) this exchange going along the lines of:
Me: “Do you expect me to sit there as his ‘friend’ and pretend that everything is okay when the person I loved with all my heart is dating another woman?”
Him: “Do you want him to be happy?” Implying that me separating myself from him is the worse thing for HIM.
Me: “As long as I’m friends with him, there will always be a small hope of us getting back together.”
Him: “Well I’m sorry that it’s keeping you from being friends with him.”
Me: “But I’m never going to heal if I don’t.” And it took me 6.5 years to realize this. Longer than we had been in a romantic relationship.
Him: “I feel like there are better ways of healing and cutting him entirely out of your life.”
Me: “sarcasm Really? If you think of one, you let me know.”
All he suggests is talking to people and my friends around me. And my mom (who isn’t in a position to be an emotional comfort for me right now) If that worked, I wouldn’t have resorted to this drastic measure.
This friend of ours (also neurodivergent) has never been in a long-term relationship before. So I don’t think he knows what he’s talking about.
I know that I’m in desperate need of therapy for one but I can’t afford it right now (lost my job at the same time this happened, after 4 years of working there for a work injury that I was unable to prove). I’m also skeptical because I was in therapy three separate times during this 6.5 year period and all three therapists told me that I wasn’t trying hard enough to feel better. (I don’t think they specialized in helping neurodivergent patients.)
I was a Christian/Catholic (non-practicing) and I’m even starting to believe that God or even the universe hates me. Questioning my faith when I’ve been Christian since I was a kid. To put me through so much pain and suffering… between losing a well-paying job and a relationship/friendship.
Maybe He thought both were hurting me rather than helping me but did they have to be in the same week?!!
I spent almost 3 hours writing this post and I finally was able to take a break from crying when taking my Adderall (immediate release) and after it kicked in. I know that once it wears off, I’ll be in agony again. I had also been on antidepressants since our breakup, trying to numb any feelings/emotions I had/have but now after switching between many SSRIs and SNRIs. I even tried TMS and nasal ketamine (Spravato). Both did not last long term. I’ve even tried developing new hobbies and throwing myself into them. Only works at certain times. Oh yeah, PMDD is active right now, too.
I tried a couple dating apps recently and found that dating complete strangers isn’t for me. I deleted the app after RSD kicked in. I know I was doing that for the wrong reasons too.
I was trying to numb my feelings and tried to shove them aside to stay best friends with my ex.
I had tried EVERYTHING to avoid cutting off all contact with him. Now I feel like I lost my ex and my best friend. I tried to pretend that I was over him to keep the peace between him and his family. I never brought anything up to his parents because I knew they always disagreed about our relationship and I did not want to put myself in a confrontational position. Again, very overbearing. What they said went. Can’t really argue with that since he still lives under the same roof as of now.
Side note: whenever I visited in the past couple of years, his mom always asked me when I was moving down to that area. I thought it meant she was starting to support us but my ex insisted that it actually meant that she just didn’t want me spending money on the trips. Again, was afraid to ask because of potential rejection.
I don’t think I was ever “worthy” to his parents. My ex has a bachelor’s degree. Working on his Master’s, working a well-paying job and working up the career ladder. Me, on the other hand. I have an associate’s degree that I decided not to do anything with because I’ve found that I’ve hated working in that field, I was fired from my job, and my work injury prevents me from finding another job. So essentially, I have NOTHING.
You can probably see how RSD is working from multiple angles instead of one.
If you read through this entire post, I’m honestly really thankful for that and I would bake cookies for you as part of my love language because I am that grateful. Putting my voice out there on Reddit because I feel like my screams (figuratively) weren’t being heard by friends and family.
TL;DR: (desperately needed) I broke up with my first love of 5 years; was also my best friend, and never got over it after 6.5 years. Tried to remain friends with a little hope of ending up back together left and after he started a new relationship with someone else, that was my breaking point to cut contact with him even as friends. I’m in the worst pain of my life with my neurodivergence and RSD. Tried to win him back, tried antidepressants, therapy, and even tried rebound relationships over that time. Some people think I made a huge mistake by cutting him out of my life completely even though his family and mine are friends. Did I do the right thing…?
Edit to make sure the point gets across: The breakup started out as a temporary break and then became a permanent breakup. That’s why I held onto hope.