I have had avoidance issues ever since a toxic relationship in my early 20s, which only worsened my relationship with love after my parents’ divorce when I was a teen. After that relationship, I remained avoidant, using apps for hookups and validation—sex and masturbation as emotional regulation, with shame buried underneath it all.
I met her and immediately felt like I wanted her. I definitely idealized her. I wanted to be in a relationship with her right away, which is strange for me. I was single for 7 years and never really considered a relationship before this girl. I was mesmerized—limerence?
She did have everything I wanted. I had written a list of qualities I want in my wife, and she ticks pretty much all of them. She is very supportive and sweet. We do connect emotionally and physically. I just can't shake the feeling that it's not right.
When I go to see her, I’m not excited—I’m nervous and almost dreading it. When I call her, I don’t feel invested in the conversation. If I imagine her in the room with me right now, I get nervous. It feels like my nervous system views her as a threat, maybe from my past relationship and avoidance. Is it warranted? No, because she has shown time and time again that she is not that person. However, I still can’t fully relax around her.
Maybe I was trying to impress her. Maybe the chemistry just wasn’t fully there. It’s hard to say because I didn’t always care about making the best impression, but I still felt like my cup wasn’t filled. Like there wasn’t the seamless connection I’ve experienced with other people in my life.
That did improve, and at one point—around the 4-month mark—it felt like something clicked temporarily, as if I could find that pocket with her. Throughout all of this, time always flew by, and I largely felt in the moment. At the same time, it’s hard to say if I was truly enjoying and savoring our time together.
However, the internal push-pull—the urge to leave—would remain. The feeling of “this isn’t fully right.” The feeling of clunkiness.
TLDR: I keep having doubts about the relationship, and I don’t know if those doubts are justified.