The weather has been getting warming so i (23F) have started wearing more t shirts and shorts. I am very aware of my body and i’m not very comfortable showing skin. My Fiance (27M) and I have been together 4 years. He had not necessarily cared what i wear in the past, as long as it’s not our version of entirely inappropriate. It was okay for me to wear leggings out, v-necks, shorts that just don’t have my cheeks hanging out, even a push up bra sometimes if it made the outfit look better. Recently in the last year we have come across some issues regarding sex. I have sexual trauma from a father figure in my life. i’m not the biggest fan of sex, never really cared for it. But i did enjoy it with him. While i could trust him. due to many reasons, i have a hard time connecting and trusting him therefor i haven’t wanted to have sex. He has not been taking it well what so ever. For months he was flipping out about it daily every single time i say no i dont want to he gets to emotional and angry. which to start doesnt help me at all. We tried seeing a family/marriage counselor and she tried hinting at him its going to take time but i dont think he ever fully understood the hint, as well as i dont think the therapist realized the extent of how bad it is. He cant handle rejection. If i say no to sex it makes him feel entirely unwanted and he spirals. i think his ego is very dependent on sex.
NOW. my current issue. He has gotten to the point he is now telling me what i can and can’t wear in our home. I attempted to watch a movie in the living room in an over sized sweater that went down to my knees. But no pants. He told me i need to put pants on. I have a sun burn right now on my legs, i didn’t want any fabric rubbing on it. He told me that if im not having sex with him then it’s disrespectful to walk around the house like that and tease him. He began getting angry about it and continued to say i was disrespecting him and his boundaries and not understanding him. I already didn’t trust him. now i don’t even feel safe in my own home. It honestly entirely gave me the ick. I went to go put pants on, then he proceeded to come check that i put pants on. Then today i tried messaging him about it. I said i don’t appreciate how you acted last night. he proceeded to go on about how im being disrespectful im not being understanding etc.
now i know anyone in my generation will tell me leave this man. and i get it. i see why. but i need the old 90 year old women’s advice. Is this fucked up?? is this as big of a red flag as it feels? I know i should never force myself to have sex with someone if i don’t want to but how often does or should a women just give a man what he wants/needs in a marriage even when they don’t want to for the stability of the relationship sake? Do i need therapy? I feel like im losing my mind. I don’t have anyone to look up to or ask these questions my fathers dead my mothers an alcoholic wh*re that sleeps with men for beer or stuff done around the house who i cut out of my life.
I almost feel like i should run at this point. but we have been thru so much together we have a 5 year old son im not his bio mother but ive been his only mother since day 1. I dont know what to think or feel anymore. I’ve said im done many times but he always pressures me to talk and ask me questions and demands answers and it ends up almost being easier to stay. What would someone in a long term relationship with children do?