Situation: I married my wife 8 months after meeting her. We are both previously married and divorced. The stars just aligned, and for lack of a better way to describe it; we said screw it, let’s get married. We spent 8 years with our previous partners/spouses. We figured if it took that long to make the wrong decision, why not trust in fate and make the right decision quickly.
So far. So good. Until recently. We have now been together for a total of 2 years and some change.
We have been through a ton of life together in a short time. To the point that we joke about when things slow down, what will we even talk about it? Anyway, the reason for the follow oversharing/life story might help my question make sense. Very high line recap.
Month 1: Met her son, my stepson (4M)
Month 2: Met all of her family.
Month 3: Moved in together.
Months 4-7: She had a major surgery. Stepson recovered after being extremely sick. Stepsons father moves in with an emotionally abusive GF.
Month 8: Married in our living room. She gets pregnant that night.
Months 9-13: She is very sick during pregnancy.
Month 14: I almost die in the ER after surgery complications.
Months 15-18: She gives birth 8 weeks early. Newborn trenches, postpartum to the max.
Months 18-24: Custody battle and money problems because of it. Stepson was physically abused by GF of his dad.
I am not perfect. But I do believe I am a pretty great partner. I work hard. I support her dream of being a stay at home mom. I do at least 50% of the cleaning and much more if needed. I spend whatever minutes I have left playing and raising the kids. She does everything she can, but here’s the problem.
During all of these huge life events. We have stayed true to each other and ourselves. We have only fallen deeper in love. We truly believe that we were meant for each other. But I feel like my problems or feelings matter less every day.
I accepted month 1 that there are 3 things that are inherently my wife.
She is unhealthy. Between sickness, injuries, mental health, chronic kidney stones. Etc.
She is on the spectrum. (Mostly social, talks over people. Very little self awareness).
She has extreme emotions. She can be the happiest person on earth, or overthink about a dog getting hit by a car and be devastated for days.
I am the polar opposite on all 3 of these things. I’m blessed to be very healthy. I pride myself on listening to and understanding people. I’m extremely level headed even during the hardest times in life.
One thing I never thought she was, was selfish/self absorbed. She gives her all to the people around her/our kids. She truly would give the shirt off her back. To anyone, besides me.
She goes on endlessly about how much she loves me, appreciates me, needs/wants me etc. But, if I am having a rare moment of mental breakdown (I have an extremely high stress job) or, I have my once a year cold/flu. She turns into a different person. Almost like she has no room for it/me not in a perfect state. She’s rude. Mocks me for being sick. Screams at me for being too harsh to the kids, not doing enough around the house. Etc.
I have made it crystal clear that this hypocrisy will be the end of us if she can’t figure it out. She agrees that I am endless supportive, helpful, and understanding when she is having a tough time/week. And her tough days either physically or emotionally outnumber mine 20-1 at least.
All I have asked of her is to give me grace. Be kind to me, and just be supportive. She struggles. Everything turns into a debate about how I could have/should have handled things differently. How I am failing/will ruin the kids or our relationship if I fail again. Etc. She always has an excuse or reason for being cruel to me when I’m sick or struggling. It’s so out of character/odd that I truly don’t know what to do.
Question: Is this just normal? Am I missing something? Or do I need to stand my ground and possibly consider she isn’t my person after all? Thank you.