My mom told me she hates being married to my dad. I'm 25 and I don't know how to process this.
Something happened today and I genuinely needed to get this out.
It started with something completely mundane. We were folding clothes, and I brought up how my dad(61) had jokingly mentioned during iftar that one of his t-shirts had gone missing, smiling, lighthearted about it. My mom(47) had brushed it off in the moment. (Context: she has this habit of quietly hiding his old clothes when she doesn't want him wearing them anymore, and they eventually just... disappear. He also never donates them, which is part of why she does this.)
When I brought it up again today, she snapped. And then everything came out.
She started talking about how negative my dad is, how he never acknowledges anything. The example that hit hardest: when we moved into our new house, my mom and brother spent months travelling back and forth overseeing all the interior work. Every detail. After we moved in, his response was to complain, constantly ,about things they'd done. But when neighbours come over and compliment the house? He proudly shows it off like it's his achievement.
Then she said something I wasn't prepared for. She said she hates that he's her husband. I asked her multiple times , seriously, are you sure? and every single time, she said yes. She told me she has emotionally cut him off completely and doesn't see him as her husband anymore. That the only reason she stayed and survived all these years was for us kids.
She talked about how he never really sees her as a person. More like someone who runs the house and puts food on the table. She even brought up her sister's husband, how warm and caring he is, and I could tell that quiet comparison has lived inside her for a long time.
What makes this so hard to sit with is that my dad isn't "bad" in the way you'd expect. He never controlled her financially. She could always buy what she wanted, gold, whatever she needed. The house is registered in her name. He trusts her with all his investments. On paper, he gave her security and freedom. But what he never gave her, I think, was emotional acknowledgment. Just being seen. Just being appreciated.
This isn't entirely new to me either. My brother used to have deeper conversations with her when we were younger, and even then she'd talk about my dad being emotionally unavailable, not an understanding husband. They're just completely different people, maybe partly because of the age gap. But I think she's been quietly carrying this for years. She even hinted today that there are older things, things she's never confronted him about directly, only ever shared with me and my brother in private.
I'm 25. Looking back at the last 15 years, I never thought it ran this deep. They'd fight, yes, but they'd resolve things , or so I thought. Now I'm realizing some of those fights never really resolved. She still carries them. Especially things related to how he behaved with his side of the family. Some things she says she hates to the core.
I don't know how to navigate this. Do I bring it up with her again, or let it be? Do I just hold this and be there for her quietly? I'm not naive enough to think I can fix a marriage, but this has genuinely shaken me.