Life ended before it began.
I’ll be 43 in June. I’ve never had a partner, never held down a real job or been able to live independently. I cannot drive a car. I have zero accomplishments to my name and my bank balance is literally 0.00 right now. I gave up on finding a partner during covid. I thought it would help me adjust, that it would help the loneliness hurt less once I accepted and learned to live with it. It hurts just as much, maybe more. That empty space where another person should be is like a phantom limb. I always wanted children when I was young, now that I’m too old I realize it was always a bad idea. I would have made a horrible father. It feels like the universe protected the children I might have had by keeping me isolated. I have two friends, one entirely online, one I met back in college. The one person not related by blood I’ve managed to keep in touch with. There was a third, online only but we were very close. She went radio silent back in August and she used to refer to suicide as an “exit strategy.” I still send her number messages once in a while. Mostly to tell her I miss her. I’m pushing myself to keep going because I don’t want to inflict trauma on my family, but I’ve mostly given up on pursuing anything that makes me feel joy or fulfillment. My efforts have all failed and most avenues are closed.
Don’t let yourself become like me. Connect with people while you can. Make friends worth keeping and for the love of god keep them.