I'm moving to Michigan near Detroit as a lifelong texan from the country what should I know ? I'm moving to be with my boyfriend's I know it'll be a big change, fucking timbit vs donut holes .
I don't even know if I tagged this correctly to be honest, Im sick or hurting my boyfriend's (yes plural I have 2 ,we are poly). I should probably start off by saying I'm pretty sure I'm bipolar my mom is stage 4 and a heavily female carrier gene making it a 75% chance this is what I'm suffering from. In January my boyfriend 'b', moved from Michigan down to Texas to be with me and my boyfriend 's', I just got out of an abusive situation with my parents and at the time I was living with 's' temporarily.Ive been with 's' 3 years now and we've in the past 2 had really bad problems with me starting fights , I got kicked out from their house after a large fight between me and s where I yelled at them and told them to get out of our shared room because I was upset and anxious they left me alone while both of my boyfriend's sat outside and talked about something serious which is what made me anxious beyond being able to sleep . These usually stem from punctuality or time spent for example; 's' would carpool with me in the morning and if he woke up late it would make me really angry, I'm very short and don't talk much when I am mad, there were day periods were I wouldn't talk to him because he upset me so bad over in my opinion nothing. If he's late/or doesn't see me alot it bothers me and I end up lashing out or being very distant despite the problem being time spent I just push myself away . I keep watching myself get angry and lash out like there's nothing I can do but I recognize the cycles, when 'b' leaves the house I get sick to my stomach and so anxious I feel like I'll vomit,I've tried asking him to spend more time when he's not working or after, it feels like he's going to they're house and late almost every day , he said it wasn't worth the conversation originally but then said he goes over every other day.I end up throwing examples in his face and he says he's been only going every other day but it doesn't feel like it,maybe I'm just hyper fixated on it ? He lives with me and I've never felt like my sense of humanity is attached to someone it's quite honestly scary I can't function when he's not here or doesn't respond to me . I have really bad sundowing and my insomnia has been at an all time bad so I've become very controlling when he leaves and the time spent outside of the house he rarely sees 's' and I can see it's starting to bother him , he said his mom probably hates me and my behavior is manipulative. For example; crying and being irrational during arguments/starting arguments while we're trying to talk, I can't stop the crying! It's driving me crazy and he keeps calling me pathetic when I cry or I'm just trying to get my way . He pointed out I don't have a proper family which is why I act like this but i didn't always act like this the anxiety has gotten so bad I don't feel real anymore , my mom used to say I didn't love her and walk out on me during fights from a very young age , when she found out I was trans she threatened to kill herself. She's an explosive manipulative person, 'b' keeps saying I'm just like them and I'm so scared they hurt me so much is that what I'm doing to s and b ?? I'm lost and I don't know what to do I've tried journaling ,deep breaths ,theta beta waves ,piano music , introspection,I cant get myself to calm down or regulate especially when I'm overstimulated.I feel like a narcissist, I've probably left out some really important detail I'll go back and add it at some point but I need help I need to be different I used to be so happy and sense I got kicked out I feel like a shell of myself being back with my parents I feel like I'm back in old cycles , they yell at me as they're only form of communication and I don't feel human with my family alot of the time the only time I feel okay is with b but he said that pressure isn't on him and he's right How do I stop being an asshole they're going to leave me and I hate myself ?