u/Hopefulberry8

Back again, and I am so grateful for this community here on Reddit. I am truly in awe of all of you, battling every day with this awful illness.

Since my last post (here), I reached out to a private therapist and have had three sessions - boy has it been confronting. The biggest realisation I've had is just how close to not coping I have been for the last year or so, because now that therapy is forcing me to actually think and feel, well it has been overwhelming to say the least. Living in a disordered default-setting without thinking about the reality of my situation, and keeping emotions suppressed has enabled me to keep up a pretence of somewhat being in the world, whilst in actuality, I'm barely existing. I've been working part-time (as a therapist ironically - NOT with EDs I should specify), but for the first time since I started this job last October, I had to call in sick one day this week - I knew I couldn't give my clients the focus and care they deserve.

But now it has left me in a state of great fear and uncertainty - if simply being confronted with thoughts and feelings is this overwhelming, will I realistically be able to manage work alongside doing the actual recovery actions and changes that are required?

I sent an email to the manager of my local ED service who I used to work with (as a patient- not a job) to ask if it would be worth me being re-referred. I feel that when I was discharged last year, it was from a place of kind of being given up on. Which I understand. I work in the NHS - resources are stretched, and I had been stagnant in progress for a while. It sucked though because I knew I was being discharged in a still unhealthy place. I've done a huge amount of reflection on all my past experiences of recovery attempts / falling backwards, and know that whatever happens this time around - consistency, persistence, and tolerating discomfort are all going to be essential.

So I suppose I'm wondering, what do people do when it comes to navigating a job and recovery? I'm 29 and have encountered this situation several times now - working up until a point that this illness becomes too much and having to leave. I fear the impact of not having some routine/purpose, as well as being a liability for any future employment if I have to leave this role that I do generally love. Yet I also am afraid I won't be able to manage with all recovery entails whilst also working as a therapist in the NHS - even though it is only 3 days a week. I'm fortunate to have a hugely supportive family who have always said they will do anything to help me (I live with my Dad, and my Mum is closeby too). They have both said they would ideally want me to go inpatient again - something that is obviously not up to me. Part of me wants to make recovery work and keep this job that has so many positives to it, but a part of me is desperate for a break from it all, and regrets self-discharging from inpatient last year and not making the most of having no job or additional responsibilities.

Any thoughts or advice (as blunt or gentle as you like!) would be greatly appreciated ♥️

Back again, and I am so grateful for this community here on Reddit. I am truly in awe of all of you, battling every day with this awful illness.

Since my last post (here), I reached out to a private therapist and have had three sessions - boy has it been confronting. The biggest realisation I've had is just how close to not coping I have been for the last year or so, because now that therapy is forcing me to actually think and feel, well it has been overwhelming to say the least. Living in a disordered default-setting without thinking about the reality of my situation, and keeping emotions suppressed has enabled me to keep up a pretence of somewhat being in the world, whilst in actuality, I'm barely existing. I've been working part-time (as a therapist ironically - NOT with EDs I should specify), but for the first time since I started this job last October, I had to call in sick one day this week - I knew I couldn't give my clients the focus and care they deserve.

But now it has left me in a state of great fear and uncertainty - if simply being confronted with thoughts and feelings is this overwhelming, will I realistically be able to manage work alongside doing the actual recovery actions and changes that are required?

I sent an email to the manager of my local ED service who I used to work with to ask if it would be worth me being re-referred. I feel that when I was discharged last year, it was from a place of kind of being given up on. Which I understand. I work in the NHS - resources are stretched, and I had been stagnant in progress for a while. It sucked though because I knew I was being discharged in a still unhealthy place. I've done a huge amount of reflection on all my past experiences of recovery attempts / falling backwards, and know that whatever happens this time around - consistency, persistence, and tolerating discomfort are all going to be essential.

So I suppose I'm wondering, what do people do when it comes to navigating a job and recovery? I'm 29 and have encountered this situation several times now - working up until a point that this illness becomes too much and having to leave. I fear the impact of not having some routine/purpose, as well as being a liability for any future employment if I have to leave this role that I do generally love. Yet I also am afraid I won't be able to manage with all recovery entails whilst also working as a therapist in the NHS - even though it is only 3 days a week. I'm fortunate to have a hugely supportive family who have always said they will do anything to help me (I live with my Dad, and my Mum is closeby too). They have both said they would ideally want me to go inpatient again - something that is obviously not up to me. Part of me wants to make recovery work and keep this job that has so many positives to it, but a part of me is desperate for a break from it all, and regrets self-discharging from inpatient last year and not making the most of having no job or additional responsibilities.

Any thoughts or advice (as blunt or gentle as you like!) would be greatly appreciated ♥️