u/HelpSeeker77

I still don’t fully believe that I am depressed. I always just assume it is because I am autistic. I dont know.

Every so often it feels as though more pieces of myself start fading away. I feel like I am approaching 0. Nothing.

I never had many interests, nor have I ever remembered having dreams or ambitions, even as a kid. I never look towards the future, nor do I look back at the past.

But now? There is even less to me. It has progressed the past 10 years, steadily.

I am not miserable. I am content with life and I find joy in small things like squishy foods or the air after a rain.

But I think nothing. I may feel, but I do not know what I feel. And whatever I do feel is so blunted..

I have no dreams, no desires, no hobbies or interests. I watch no TV or shows. I do not find pleasure in listening to music. I eat the same exact 2 meals each day: peanut butter sandwich, and beans with fruit and milk.

I have no friends. I do not play video games. I do not look forward to anything. Sometimes I look forward to eating my next peanut butter sandwich.

I occasionally get the urge to drive when the air is pleasant and humid. When I am very sad, I want to pet birds. But I have recognized that birds are entirely different from humans and there can exist no healthy connection between the two, and now that feeling has died. I love birds so much. I know nothing about them and dont care to but I think I love them so much. I think.

That is all there is to me.

I have no interests in relationships, In connection. I am not sad that I have never had friends before. I am not sad at all. I cry once per month. I cry at the idea of losing my family, and that is all. I love them.

If I did not have my daily routines or the concern of my parents I would not eat or drink water. I do not care for myself. I hardly brush my teeth or brush my hair.

But I am not sad, I am not miserable, I am entirely empty.

My last therapist told me she could not help me because I had no problems to solve, because I do absolutely nothing and desire even less.

If I had a billion dollars, I would not change anything. I would do nothing.

Is there any kind of solution to this?? I still do not want to believe this is depression, that maybe my brain is just structured differently and I am some sort of alien.

Im only considering that maybe, I deeply need help. But I dont think there exists any help for me. And I am okay with that.

I might delete this because I am very embarrassed and know that I am dumb.

I will procrastinate so hard and it is awful. I used to be a great student with a 4.0 but the past year i brouhht it down to 3.5 and I have lost all care in the world about it. It might be mental health related idk but I noticed that I am severely struggling with procrastinating. I have one last day till my exam and I only now started studying. Ive locked myself in my room and refused to eat or drink until I study at least 3 chapters, but it is already 7 pm and I have done nothing. Now I just have a headache and I endedup falling asleep again.

I literally do nothing all day. I dont play video games, have no hobbies or friends, dont watch movies or shows or listen to music, I dont go outside. I eat the same exact two meals each day. I have entirely deprived myself of entertainment and surprise, why am I still procrastinating? Im so confused.

Its not like I hate studying, maybe I just dont understand anything and I dont even want to bother with it. I dont have the energy to try to use my brain and it is so annoying. It takes huge effort just to think. When I went in person Id go to tutoring but I still couldnt learn anything on my own.. now Im online and I cant bring myself to try. Im going to take a break next semester and sort out myself because Im going downhill but till then I need some advice.