I (31 F) was raised by my grandparents bc my mom died when i was a kid and my dad either didn’t want to or couldn’t take care of me. Anyway, my grandparents are Christian fundamentalists of a kind of brand that is particularly toxic and insular. I broke away from that stuff when I was a high schooler. Despite fairly risky behaviors as a teenager and despite my grandparents being anti-education, i managed to secure funding to school and managed to make something of all of the crap. I hold dual masters degrees now, and I’m the first person in my family to ever go to college.
My grandparents don’t show affection really. At least not in the way that I observe it regularly in other families. We were never celebrated, told to be proud of ourselves, or told anyone was proud of us… When I started transitioning, much like all the other things in my life, they initially just tuned it out. Like they’re never really listening at all. When they finally took notice I guess, then my grandmother in particular took great issue with it.
Over the course of my transition, I’ve been told all sorts of nasty things, as you might expect. Everything from I was “believing the devil’s lie” to implications that I would become a violent person if I transitioned. (??? idk).
I didn’t speak with my grandma for almost a year initially. And then I saw a documentary on trans issues that I thought might really speak to her and I mailed her a copy with a note asking her to watch it. She did, and things almost immediately got better. She became curious and asked all kinds of questions that i feel were in good faith. It was one of the only times in my life I’ve ever felt heard at all by her.
Anyways, fast forward to this week and she’s like back pedaled on like all that stuff. Even seeing the trouble I’ve had in my job coming out and being accepted by others, how much I’ve hurt and everything, it’s like none of that matters anymore??
I don’t understand what happened. And I’m not sure what to do. My grandpa, strangely, has been pretty supportive. He doesn’t judge me or treat me badly or weirdly. He doesn’t call me by my chosen name, admittedly, or refer to me as a woman. But, to try to keep the peace, we haven’t really talked about expectations like that, so I get why that is.
I know that cutting my grandma off is probably the right thing to do and I did tell her how it made me feel to hear the mean things she’s said to me recently. I even told her not to text me, when she didn’t care how it made me feel.
I can maintain this boundary easily, but I feel like I’d be punishing my grandpa if I cut him off. And then it feels cruel for her to watch me cut him some slack on things and try to foster a good relationship. So, idk if it’s just better to cut them both off or what. I don’t want to have to cut anyone off, but between all of the other things I worry about in my own life, I don’t have to bandwidth for this kind of crap.
Anyways. I just needed to say that to someone, so I figured I’d say it here. I go to therapy regularly, and would prefer to not waste therapy time on this stuff when there are more prescient things to discuss.
Thanks for listening and any wisdom you might have <3