I (23F) have been seeing my boyfriend (23M) for a bit and I'm trying to understand what's going on with him so I can actually support him. He's opened up to me about a lot and I want to do right by him, but I'm out of my depth.
Here's the situation: he gets morning wood every day. He gets random erections throughout the day, or when he zones out into a fantasy. When we cuddle or do over-the-clothes stuff, he gets hard. But the moment things move toward actual sex, it often doesn't work. And even when it does work without ED meds, he says he doesn't understand how it happened, like he can't trust it.
He's shared his backstory with me and I think context matters here:
Before 15: He says he had crazy "porn star" lever confidence sexually. Could be ready instantly, no issues at all. Mostly hookups in secluded places or school bathrooms. He says he can't even remember what that felt like anymore.
Around 15-ish: He was SA'd by two teachers at his school. He'd experienced SA before, but he says this time was different and hit harder. He claims it during that time he thought it "didn't affect him" but right after, he developed pee anxiety, started getting deeply uncomfortable when strangers touched him (even things like security pat-downs). He wasn't sexually active after that until....
At 17: First girlfriend post SA. She wasn't new to sex but was extremely shy their first time, like insisted on blankets covering everything, and when they started, her moans were like she was in pain, even though she kept saying she was fine. He started using ED meds to get through it. She eventually got more comfortable, but he says that first experience of her seeming hurt has stuck with him ever since.
At 21: Next girlfriend. She was new to sex and took a long time to get comfortable, which he says he secretly used that same time and space to get comfortable himself. First time, ED meds. Second time (next day), no meds, but he had a pre-loaded excuse ready ("we just did it yesterday, I might need rest") in case he failed. He didn't fail. And it kept working medication-free with her. He thought he was "cured."
Then after a year of their relationship (He didn't have any sexual problem during this time) they took a 6-month break and got back together just to be physical, and he couldn't perform.
Now (with me): Same pattern. One day with ED meds, fine. Next day without, but he had another excuse pre-loaded ("I rubbed one out earlier so I might not work today"). We ended up just cuddling for a while and he eventually worked. It was after we fucked 2 times (one time he was on meds, 2nd time he was not) that he opened up to me about all of this. He told me he thinks everyone else does this "like it's a sport" and that he feels like a loser.
He's planning to start therapy, which I'm fully supportive of. But I want to understand:
- Is this clearly performance anxiety + trauma, or could there be a physical component I should encourage him to get checked?
- How do I actually be helpful in the moment without making him feel pressured or pitied?
- Has anyone been through this with a partner? Did it get better? What worked?
- Is the "pre-loaded excuse" thing he keeps doing actually a coping mechanism I should support, or is it making things worse long-term?
I really care about him and I don't want sex to be this looming source of stress for him. Any insight from people who've been on either side of this would mean a lot.