My first love and I ended things
As the title reads, my bf (M20) and I (F19) ended our relationship last night. We were friends for a year, and then had four amazing months of dating.
We love each other so much, but we were incompatible and sought different things. For him, He was scared to hurt me and felt guarded because of my sensitivity and how much I overanalyze and take things to heart. He never did things intentionally malicious, but I let them hurt just the same. For me, his actions didn’t meet my standards of what I expect in a romantic relationship. I constantly felt let down and pathetic waiting for something that never came without asking.
Two nights ago we experienced a signifying moment validating and amplifying both perspectives. Consequently, he came over at 10pm last night and said he no longer felt that our relationship is working out. I agreed, and I thanked him for saying something because I would have never had the guts. We both acknowledged it was for the best and that we still love each other so dearly. I sat next to him on my bed while I sobbed my heart out into his arms. Hours passed and 1am hit, he didn’t want to leave me alone, and I didn’t want to be left. So, he stayed the night one last time. He fell asleep holding me, and I stayed awake for five hours watching him and the clock countdown our last moments together. Without any composure left, I managed to wake him up countless times with my cries. I wept and wailed to him about how much it hurt, sobbing like I was stabbed and gutted. He kept apologizing over and over again. I eventually went to the bathroom to let it out without disturbing him, but he noticed. He woke up, gave me a hug, and silently took me back to bed.
The morning rolled around and more tears arrived. I knew I would need to cherish these last hours as deeply as possible because future me would look back and become incredibly envious of them (I am). We laid side by side holding each other for hours, looking into each other’s tear-filled eyes. He kissed my hand, my forehead, my cheek, my chin, until eventually our lips were rested against each other. I made the move of kissing him, and he kissed back. We both began to weep and our slow and painful kisses became wet with tears, while our lips quivered with grief and our breaths trembled. We both knew it was the last time. We reassured each other of our love and how real it was. But evidently that isn’t enough to sustain a relationship. He left for the last time at noon.
It’s the same day, nine hours since then, and I’m heartbroken. He was my first true love, I dreamt of this relationship with him our entire friendship. I had it, and lost it. I’m in physical pain from how much it hurts, I have moments where I can’t breathe or my heart stings in agony. I envisioned a detailed future with him in it, with him and I growing old and loving each other for the rest of our lives. I pictured us laughing like kids, sharing romantic nights, and making our lives feel lighter with each other in it. But now I’m not even able to talk to him, and that’s all I want. I would do anything to go back and fix it all. In my head, I keep replaying our moments together. Our first realization that our feelings were mutual, our first kiss, our first “I love you,” and my favourite dates and times spent by his side. I’m devastated that no more memories will be created, they were my favourite.
Still, I’m trying my best to push through. I deleted majority of our pictures, stopped sharing location, changed his contact, and removed reminders of him. I’m letting myself feel it when the waves hit, but it sometimes it feels like I’m suffocating under a tsunami.
To wrap this up, I’m feeling absolutely shattered and quite frankly terrified of how much pain I am in. If anyone has any kind words or advice, I would greatly appreciate it. It’s a very fresh wound so please be nice, I don’t know if I’m emotionally ready for hard truths. Thank you 🫶