I posted a few years ago when my spouse went through one of the worst episodes I had ever experienced. I was discarded. She came home one day and said she didn’t want to be married and then stopped speaking to me for 6 weeks (no exaggeration).
Mind you I had a whole other personal legal battle going on with my job and it felt like it could not have been worse timing. My world was exploding.
I continued therapy- stayed medicated- and just put one foot infront of the other. I came home and said okay. We can get divorced. The flip switched and she wanted to stay together and try again. We laid some ground rules. 1-she continues aftercare post outpatient rehab. 2- continues her meds 3-starts to make an effort around the house and in our marriage.
A year goes by and I see some improvement but not much. She ended up not continuing therapy, or really being HONEST with her psych so she wasn’t medicated correctly. Then she had what I say is her “trigger” and she said “I need you to be strong so I don’t have to leave again” and by leave she means be manic.
I remember going to sleep thinking “financially it’s easier to stay married but emotionally it’s worse”. I woke up in a panic and knew I had to end it. I could not go through that again. I couldn’t.
I ended it. There was a lot of pain. A lot of lashing out. I knew this was what was best. The longer we prolonged out divorce the more resentment would build. I made a promise that I would be as kind and non reactive during the process because I would regret anything I said. I did and still do love her deeply.
Her statement she said “we are married and this is what happens you can’t just give up.” Was her tool. I responded with “your mental health is not an excuse for me to endure abuse or your bad behavior”.
I told her “I am not a good enough person to love you the way you deserve, and let you love me the way I deserve”. There was too much resentment and pain and I couldn’t let it go.
It was hard. I basically just divorced myself and gave her the paperwork to sign and went to court alone.
We have a house together and I am happy to say we had a chat a month or so ago (6 months post official divorce). We both cried, but she said she sees it now. She knows I was right and thankful for how much grace I gave her during the moments she lashed out. She says she sees she needed to be alone and couldn’t heal.
We still live together but separate bedrooms and lives. It’s honestly great now. We know how to live with eachother as roommates since we have been together for 6 years. We help with groceries and talk about house stuff. We coordinate care for the dogs. It’s been much easier and we both have enjoyed finding sanctuary in our home again.
We had a great marriage. So much love. Never screamed. Never fought. We were best friends and we both said we missed part that about the divorce now. I know moving forward that because of how good my marriage was and the real love that was there, when looking to date I won’t settle. There were things that made our marriage not work but it wasn’t toxic. I had the best marriage to my best friend and life just happened and we didn’t adjust and correct course when we should have. However I am so thankful that my first marriage and really love was with her.