u/Heavy-Department-247

There's technically nothing wrong at home. In fact, I'm comfortable. They let me stay as long as I'm in college, and I've been in college since I was 21. College is not paid for, it's my responsibility. I've found ways to make it work so I'm in no debt. They don't ask me for rent, they just ask me to do chores and go through college. They currently have some apprehension because I still need to get a job as of this year, as I now need to find a job to make sure my college stays paid for. Before college I worked, then I went to full time college in the sciences, worked a little bit at the college throughout multiple semesters, and now I'm going to be part time college in a specific program that still allows me to graduate within my last 2 years guaranteed but also allows me to have time to work and make money. Until I get a "proper" job, I've taken to doing side stuff like commissions that'll keep me afloat, and have previously kept me afloat and kept stuff paid for. I have saved up a decent chunk of money just in case college starts and I don't have anything yet, and any extra money goes to the college fund too. It's all for college and I want as little debt as possible.

I'm a covid kid, my earliest adult years were during the pandemic. I never got my driver's license because for a very long time I had no reason to drive. Everything was within walking distance. I accept a lot of blame here, but I also partially blame my parents. Most of the time I ask to go driving, something comes up. If it's not about gas prices, something else is wrong and we'll drive another time. I do know how to drive, but I need practice in order to do the test and not immediately fail. I'm a highly anxious person when driving, so the more I'm not doing it the more I lose confidence. It takes time to build it up again. I could take that test right now, but I'd be a nervous wreck and that'd make me fail in of itself due to the small mistakes that'd come from it. My only option otherwise is to risk college and dip into those funds to pay a driving school. Anyone else I know irl is apprehensive about teaching me, understandably, because they don't want the possibility of something happening to the car.

Recently I got into an argument with my parents because of my current situation. They think I have no ambition and drive and don't actually want to work. The argument really opened my eyes. My distance to find a job is highly limited as my limit is the next town (and only one town, there's a couple of equally distant towns) over. This is completely fair and honestly more than I could ever and would ever ask for, my parents are wonderful in offering to make sure I have transportation to and from work. However, unfortunately, there's genuinely not a ton of openings for those nearby stores or work places. Most of the openings require specific degrees or are some type of management that I'd need to quit come fall anyway. I see a lot of openings elsewhere in the same exact distance in a different town that's just as close, but they're refused even if I pay for gas. Oh well.

I want out. Desperately. To the point where I would make a risky plan just to get my shit together at this point. The argument wasn't pretty, my parents said hurtful things to me even though I know they're coming from a good place, and I know they don't particularly care about how hurt I am, so I'm not going to make it a focus yet it's a point I feel like is important. But just like they told me they don't know how much longer they can keep me around and asked me if I want to be on the street, I don't know how much longer I can handle to stay. I feel like a runt, a failure, and so trapped.

I've struggled with mental health issues since I was in late elementary school, starting early on through puberty. I've been seeing counselors for this, and my mental health has drastically improved, but I have specific traumas that I have been fighting through for a long time. I know this has contributed to my situation, and while I have been actively fighting back against it I know it still affects me. I also know that my parents kind of just nod along and "sure sweetie... your mental health issues are real" through it, which makes specific things really difficult to talk about with them. Even if I just want to vent. I have been diagnosed with a couple of disorders and they do not know about this, because if I were to tell them it'd be another argument about how everyone is diagnosed with x y and z these days and it's not real and doesn't provide real struggles and everyone should just get over it. It does for me, though. I worry that maybe the argument kicked up something and that's why I feel like this, and I'm itching to see my psychiatrist, but I need to wait a week. Right now my mind is telling me to get out even if it's hard. Even if I stumble. Even if I need to dip into those funds.

Nothing is technically wrong with living at home. I know how lucky I am. I'm grateful, please don't misunderstand that. I know how stupid it looks to leave willy nilly and how insane it is regardless of plan. However... I'm starting to think this environment is harming me more than it's not in different ways, I've gained more resentment for my parents in different ways over the past couple of years. They don't treat me like an adult, but also why would they? I can't even leave. They see me as someone who just wants to play video games all day, when I just want out.

When they were my age they were already out and didn't have the option to stop and think about the next step, one of them already had kids. They have made it obvious that they are starting to grow resentment about this situation, because they've given me a ticket that they didn't have themselves. I worry about my relationship with my parents, it's clear they kind of wish I was able to, or already did, flee the nest. There's no mulling it over with my parents about this argument either, they pretty much require that they be right regardless of my opinion. It's their say so, which is fair, I'm not knocking it, but I know some people would say to talk to them about it when to them when after anything happens it's they said what they said and it's my problem however I take it and thus refuse to discuss further. Every time I have tried to, even just to tell them how I felt under a cooler head, I was often yelled at instead. Lol. They've done plenty of things that have destroyed my trust in them for specific things, forever.

I've talked to some friends. They have more knowledge about some things my parents have done (that are actually a big reason I seek therapy). Many of them say they would have already left regardless, have offered to help me make a plan, some of them even said they'd support me leaving and let me sleep on their couch for a while as long as I have a plan to follow through on and talk it through extensively with them, others say that no matter what it's too risky to leave because I would refuse to come back and likely wouldn't be allowed back in if I ended up on the street. I want to live my life, be independent, and expand my world past this house and city. It's not the first time I've felt like this, but right now it's stronger than it's ever been. Usually it's a passing thought, but right now I have a hard time not thinking about it.

I fear regretting the decision regardless of what I do. I feel like I'm going to regret staying but I feel like leaving has its own regrets. I'd have to leave things behind, because I don't think I'd be helped, and I'm pretty sure my parents would blow a gasket if I told them I'm moving out on my lonesome. I just feel so lost right now, more than ever in my life. I know I don't want and haven't wanted the current life I have and I feel incredibly guilty for it. It feels like trying to gun for the life I want requires huge leaps of faith that are high risk, because I'd still be relying on other people just in both different and the same ways. I don't know where the light is at the end of any of these tunnels or what to do and I feel like the entire idea of that alone is going to destroy me.