u/HeatherInTheWild

I've been so consumed by this concept lately, but for the past week I've been particularly busy at work. At least 12-14 hour days sat at my desk, compounding my sciatica pain to the point where it's constantly excruciating. But where I'm confused, is that my gender identity obsession has gone quiet, so I wanted to ask those of you who are trans, do you have periods where you switch? Or at least, did you when you were new to questioning gender identity?

I know I enjoy being femme when I can, it's alot of work so I can't do it all the time. My default is masc, used for work and meetings and such, it's just easier (just get out of bed and go to work). While in masc/ boy mode I don't know that I've actively missed being femme. Or maybe I have a little, because it has been on my mind, just not at the forefront of my mind. I've not had the space to think about it. I guess I expected to feel uncomfortable or something.

This is part of the "imposter syndrome" that I have regarding this. I feel fraudulent almost. How can it be true that I simultaneously search for and fantasize about being feminine but can also spend time as masc me without discomfort?

My egg cracked maybe 8 weeks ago and I'm worried I'm speed running transition thoughts.

I've been incessantly reading and researching transgender topics. Literally from the moment I wake up in the morning, all the way throughout the day and in the evening.

I'm finding comfort in reading familiar stories, but also I feel like an imposter. Almost like accepting and allowing myself to be more feminine is like performing an act of stolen valor or something.

I've found increasing ease and comfort in dressing at Heather at home, I love wearing the pretty dresses I've bought, and practicing makeup. I've finally started shaving my face, and even performing at home laser hair removal. Having been a beard wearer for decades feels very strange.

I've been going to therapy once a week, showing up as "Heather" on all of those calls. I've shared things with this therapist that I haven't shared with anyone else, and felt lighter because of it. There's still a ton of internalized shame that I need to deal with but I truly believe I'm on the road to dealing with it.

I think part of why I'm freaking out is I'm still oscillating between acceptance and denial. Between, "this can't possibly be true" and "It's been there for as long as you can remember."

But almost contradictorily, I'm obsessed with researching medical treatments like hormones. Not just researching them but acknowledging the desire to take them, which makes me excited and at the same time terrified. Alarmingly, I'm also obsessively researching surgical options, primarily, an orchiectomy and rib remodeling/ lipo to get an hourglass figure.

I've built an application to guide and track fitness and nutrition with specific guidance to shape my diet and exercise towards feminization. I've gamified my transition.

It's really the speed at which I've found ease with accepting all of this stuff that worries me.
These are things that I want, even if I only admit it to myself and my therapist, what does that even mean? How can I want these things so much?

I think what scares me is that this feels so strong, that the pull towards Heather is so strong right now that I'll get carried away. I'll transition and become Heather full time. But the fear is that what if I go through all of this, I put my family through so much turmoil because of something I want now, and then, possibly at some point in the future I'll change my mind and want to go back. I guess I'm afraid at how can I be sure this is me? Especially when just a few months ago I thought I was someone else with a secret shame.

I think I'm still very much spiraling and I do share all this with my therapist. It's normal I guess. It just feels very odd to be so obsessed with something so quickly while at the same time realizing that it's been hidden in my subconscious for at least 3 decades.