I am a 46 ur old saphic trans woman. Ive been on HRT since Nov or 2022, had top surgery in Feb of 2025, and got 6 sessions of laser hair removal done about 2 years ago. The laser hair removal eliminated about 90+% of the hair, as I have lots of grey facial hair due to my age. Im currently scheduled for FFS in July, and have a bottom surgery consult for Nov of this year, then will probably get electrolysis and voice surgery soon after as Ive already had consults. I just need time to recover from the FFS before the others can be carried out.
Now Im a large person, 5-10 or 5-11 and about 245 lbs. My weight has never redistributed so, no hips, no butt, etc. Despite this I presented as female since a month before I started HRT and immediately upon coming out. I cracked my egg about two months before coming out. No looking back, Id been jealous of girls and women since I was like 2 or 3. Since before I can even remember as there are photos of me in the early 80s. I was like absolutely obsessed with being female before puberty, middle school, high school and so on. In hindsight all the signs were there, but I kept it to myself out of fear and embarrassment. Of course a large part of me just assumed every guy was like this and naturally curious.
I did male things growing up, but would have preferred to be the cheerleader to being on the HS football team. Similar things, with dolls, gender roles, and so forth. When I joined the army at 18 to escape my up bringing, I joined as a Combat Infantryman despite a high GT score. This was in Feb of 1999.
I had always been sorta socially awkward, and in Jan of 2023, I was surprised to learn I had been diagnosed as being on the spectrum and having ASD, among other things. Suddenly thing made sense, and a lot of previous experiences were explained, as well as several of my kids.
In 2002 while in the army I met a woman who was a school teacher. She approached me at a night club, as I never would have had the courage to approach her. Anyways, we got married later that year, bought a brand new house, and had our first of four children the following year.
The marriage didnt last and shortly after I came out, I was kicked out of the house and then a year later in Jan of 2024 our divorce was finalized, ending a 21 yr marriage. She once said to me, or rather asked me, if I was over compensating as a male because of my gender insecurity.
Ok, so by the age of 43 I had only one sexual partner, my now ex wife, over the course of my entire life. Since then Ive experimented a bit but can definitely say I 100% prefer women.
Ok, so that brings us to the now. My best friend is a cis female who had been my friend since Jan of 2023, just 5 weeks after coming out. She provided me with the knowledge, makeup tips, and emotional support I so desperately needed at the time. She is going to be 35 yrs old this August.
Since my transition Ive purchased tons of what would be considered by most to be female attire and thrown away or donated almost all of my "male attire." So going boy mode isnt really an option for me, even on lazy days. Especially when you consider I rent a bedroom in a house from an older woman in her seventies who sees me only as a woman, and any subtle hint of masculinity in the house is highly frowned upon and upsetting to her. She doesn't even like male visitors.
Ok, now with all this being said. I shaved my head several times over the years before I moved into my existing home about 20 months ago. My hair is the longest its ever been, about 23 months of growth, and I have very pretty manicured finger nails and pedicured toe nails.
Ive occasionally shaved my head as a form of self harm, and had hoped it would make me more presentable and help in getting my old life back with my ex, or at least attract a new woman. Well that has failed. My ex remarried, and it took me about a year and a half to emotionally get over her. As far as others go, in 3.5 yrs since divorce, Ive had zero dates, despite being on 11 diff dating apps at one point, and going out into the wild to stuff like Karaoke and dancing on average of 3 times a week. Notta, nothing, zilch. I would often come home from places depressed because no one was interested in dating me and my RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Disorder) would flair up. I mean I would make friends, but never able to get even a single date.
Last night, I was paid to drive a friend of a friend up to Seattle for a concert. I was curious as to what to do during this time, so I invited my best friend along to kill some time while we waited for this concert to end. She picked out a queer bar in Seattle and we went there after having some awesome food from a little middle eastern restaurant. The queer bar was dead, very expensive, had disagreeable music, and blue strobing lights. Im epileptic, so I wasn't sticking around long. She, my best friend, wanted to walk around, we ended up at a tattoo place and I contemplated getting my first tattoo, a hello kitty on my left wrist, but they were too busy, so we left. The whole evening Ive got severe anxiety, inability to focus, and somewhat depressed. This was due mostly do to a blowup at the house where I live about me perceiving her to be manipulative and controlling. She was very pissed and was yelling and screaming at me.
Well after the tattoo place we decided to go to a strip club. The goal was to relax me and calm me down. We spent about and hour and a half there and not one girl approached me and tried solicit me for a dance or anything. Im not sure if its because I was with a equally attractive if not more so female friend, because I was noticeably trans, or if im just blatantly unattractive. Keep in mind, this is my first trip to a strip club in a very long time and definitely the first time since my transition. Even my friend had a brief chat with one of the girls, but nothing for me. Back in my army youth days, the dancers would come up, give free dances and just chat with me for like a half hour at a time. Now I find myself in this club with a stack of money, $2 bills, surrounded by women who literally make a living by providing attention and making people feel special for cash, and Im completely ignored.
So if Im completely ignored by someone who has a financial incentive, then I stand no change in a relationship. I just feel like a loser. As much as I want to be a girl and get bottom surgery, Im not sure I want it bad enough to be single forever and die alone. What do I do?
Today I went out shopping with a friend, picked up some lipstick, some hygiene supplies, and wandered into the men's section and grabbed a grey hoodie, while looking at other clothing in the men's section. My friend grabbed the clothes out, put them back on the racks and told me " you're not a boy, you're a girl." Is she right? Am I just having an identity crisis? WTF is wrong with me?