Hey lads, hope you lot are having it better than I am. I’ve been through this sub a lot, get my insight into women a lot from here, read the posts but I never thought I’d be here. All my life I’ve been through tough shit on my own, never told anyone… but now, I need help.
My story begins around 6 years ago… back when I was in high school. I fell in love with this girl [I was young; I know] After long internal struggles with myself I finally got the courage to tell her. I wish I never did. I got rejected. It hurt a lot, more than I’d ever admit. It felt like my whole world collapsed there & there. She said we should ‘just be friends’ we all know how that works out… I decided I couldn’t see her again, not after embarrassing myself like that… so I walked away. I walked away from everything that day… even myself.
Life’s become a blur since that day. I picked up weed & liquor almost immediately. I needed something to numb the pain, I still do. I still feel pain till this day, sometimes it still feels as fresh as when it happened. I got scared of girls & relationships ever since, I’m naturally extroverted but I changed. Now I only talk to people just to keep my image up, everyone sees I’m ok but inside I feel like killing myself every day. I’ve only had one relationship since. It was long distance; online. Fuck we never even met so I don’t know if it counts… Crazy thing is when I opened up to her about my heartbreak she tracked down the first girl [they were in the same school at the time] even when I asked her not to. So much for trust, huh? Long story short I ended it due to several reasons, unimportant now.
Now I’m in uni. Living the dream, right? Not for me. I’ve never been with a girl before & even if I was to try I realised I don’t actually like any of the girls there. I mean, yes there are lots I’m attracted to but as soon as their personality seems off to me I lose interest. I want a girl I can reason with, but it’s like I’m tryna find my rock in this sea full of stones. On top of that I really don’t know if girls actually find me attractive, funnily enough I have enough self confidence in myself; I love my physical appearance so if someone else doesn’t like it then quite frankly I don’t care. But, still doesn’t change the fact that I can’t seem to find someone. All my friends, family can get girls, even my youngers ffs. What am I doing wrong?
So here’s where the problem is… I found this girl. Damn, I think I fell for her the day I met her. I didn’t want anything to do with her at first but the more I knew her the deeper I fell. I’ve known each other 2 years now, on & off but of late we’ve been hanging out more than usual, seeing her more often. We’re closer than before. There’s something there, I can feel it; I see it in her eyes. We’re in a situationship now where we’re getting really close but nothing’s defined yet. I’m an artist, I’ve done a portrait of her before, gifting her other works… she really likes them. My problem is that cause of the past trauma I’ve lost all social skills when it comes to girls. I can hold deep, meaningful conversations with her but I can’t support that with proper physical closeness. I’ve never kissed before so I I’m seriously fucked. I’m scared of fucking up things between the 2 of us but I’m more scared of letting her in. Inexperienced & emotionally scarred. What a combo.
So how do I explain? How do I explain that I’m a basket case? How do I explain that after a long time of being numb, I can feel again, feel her? How do I explain why I am the way I am? Why I’m scared of making a move? I wanna tell her everything but nothing at the same time. Will she turn away after seeing what’s inside? How do I show intent without losing what we have now?
I’ll see her again in a few days… by then I’d have another piece to give her, but I want to have a note attached to it… not professing my love for her or anything but I just want to show proper intent. I seriously need help with this one lads. She’s become really special to me of late & I don’t wanna lose her, either by being too forward or not forward enough.
I already came to terms that I’m gonna be alone forever [before her]. If the scenario whereby she is happiest ends up without me then so be it. Nothing changes on my part, just a confirmation of what I believe to be true. But I know she’s good for me, I’m tryna be a better man for her. She’s the first girl in my life who actually listens me, it makes me feel safe, in a way. I don’t wanna live my life spiralling down anymore… beforehand I wouldn’t care if I died or not. Realising this I’d be a fool not to try…
Or do I just give up? Go back to default setting & lock everyone out, probably cutting her off eventually, due to how strongly I feel towards her. Cause it seems way easier than this.