I (f, late 30s) had been in a triad with a couple (f/m, married for 20+ years, both early 40s) for about 3.5 years when she broke up with me earlier this year. The three of us primarily dated separately but still spent time together as a triad, esp travel, holidays, kid things. We had always had the conversation that if one pair of us split up, that was not the end to the other pair. Our relationship(s) were full of love and respect but ultimately she and I were not compatible as a couple.
It has been a few months and he and I have continued to date. We’ve had to rework scheduling, communication tools, etc given the shift and it is rocky at times, but we are trying to figure it out. He’s made it clear that he wants to continue dating me but also wants me to be happy and fulfilled. I’ve recently started exploring dating outside of that relationship too, and am generally pretty good at managing my time outside of relationships with friends, physical activity, etc.
However, his wife (my ex) seems to not be honoring her commitment to us dating. She claims she’s okay with it, but seems to be causing a lot of tension with him around scheduling and wants more of his time than he can give. She generally does not have many things that get her out of the house and isn’t interested in dating again so he is her only emotional support now. We used to have a shared calendar that I just took myself off of because my relationship is with him and no longer with her. Before I took myself off though, she would just take over days with him and then also used the calendar to communicate things that needed to be a conversation between the two of them. He feels guilty now and constantly torn between wanting to spend time with me and also making sure she is happy.
We are all realizing how much scheduling she and I did throughout the triad relationship and he is trying to get better at that as a hinge now. It’s still a struggle but he is trying. I generally am content with what time he is able to give me (we try for 2-3 nights / week when everyone is in town but I have been traveling a lot so it’s really less than this) and he feels like he is adequately showing up for his wife and family. But this doesn’t seem to be enough for her and it feels like she is trying to just make it really hard for us to spend decent time together. It has felt manipulative and emotionally immature, which is so disappointing after spending many years in a healthy relationship with this person.
Any advice on how to navigate this in a way that feels a little better or more fair to everyone? I am happy with him, he is happy with me, and we want to keep being part of each others’ lives. But I don’t think either of us want it to feel like a chore if she keeps making it so hard.