Hope and Healing Needed
My (31 F) husband (36 M) and I have decided to move forward with a trial separation. There has been a lot of conflict over the past year, mostly stemming from communication issues and previous unresolved trauma. It feels like we are speaking a different language most of the time. I am definitely avoidant. I often shut down and withdraw during conflict and have a difficult time coming together. Most of this stems from past abuse and neglect. There have been several instances of hurt over the past few years and I have been unable (maybe unwilling?) to address them in the moment. I often feel unheard, and only loved out of necessity. I feel like my resentment has built and I'm not sure how to start rebuilding connection. My husband is more on the anxious side. He has expressed feelings of hurt related to my withdrawal, lack of initiative, and growing detachment over time. He grew up with a lot of inconsistency and being blamed for things out of his control. These patterns have shown up throughout our relationship, with some moments of significant growth, and some moments of temporary change that goes back to old habits.
We have decided to separate, currently short term, with a goal of coming back together. I am moving in with a friend in 2 days who lives several hours away while I look for an affordable room to rent closer by. The goal is to start "dating" again once I find a place. While I technically initiated the separation, I feel absolutely gutted. Now he appears to be the one totally detaching.
My question is, what has reconciliation looked like for you? I don't want to divorce. We've been together for 10 years and have had a beautiful life together (no kids but lots of travel, adventures, and coming together even through hard times). I feel it's important for us to take space in order to work on ourselves before coming back together. I feel we cannot get out of this cycle living in the same home (we don't have a lot of money, I work from home as an administrative assistant and he is a bank manager so we can only afford our current 1 bedroom). I want us to come back together, but I worry he's going to find he enjoys the distance and won't accept me back.
Just looking for some hope. I love him, but I need to be able to love myself again.