u/HeadAggressive5361

I, 17f, had a traumatic visit to the psych ward at 9 years old and ever since then, I have unfortunately been handed the displeasure of trying to explain my ptsd to others. Recently I had an incident relating to my poor excuse of an alternative school letting my parents know about some behavior they'd been noticing. I have become EGREGIOUSLY rude to staff there. When my mom told me about the email, she wasn't really shocked because I have openly expressed how much I hate that institution, but she obviously wasn't happy at the report. To clarify this behavior a little more, my alternative school has historically had a really difficult time dealing with my meltdowns and such relating to my trauma. One of my slew of triggers includes patronizing or babying speech directed towards me. (This comes from nobody taking me seriously as a 9yo in the psych ward) I have clarified this with the staff at my school, assuming it was an easy request to just, not?? Do that??? No. Not at all. Actually a lot of times teachers will weaponize baby talk. So now where the rudeness comes in. Unfortunately even though I have reminded them more times then I can count that I can NOT be spoken to that way, they just. Keep. Doing it. They use it to make me feel small literally 24/7. (Utiliting triggers is a tactic used by staff to belittle other kids as well.) So, as a defense mechanism, I became unbelievably harsh all the time to try to get them to leave me alone. (It is also quite important to note that at this time I have started to be on fight or flight mode for entire school days non stop so by the time I come home from school my frontal lobe is just straight mush.) It enraged me that they couldn't respect this boundary, ESPECIALLY since they are a "therapeutic" school. So unfortunately the only thing my brain thought to do was fight back. I became rude, angry, and standoffish to attempt to prove to them that I was NOT to be tampered with. I started belittling THEM when they started talking to me like a toddler. Deep down, I know this behavior is unacceptable. Before this all started happening I was bright and pleasant at school but the constant belittling made me so unbelievably bitter. I came home from school so tired from being on edge that I'd immediately take a power nap and stay up til ungodly hours of the morning to finally have some peace to myself. It really did get to a point, and now the tension erupted. My mother, (thank GOD) has a degree in psychology and an ex husband with ptsd so she kind of gets the gist as to why this is all happening, but for some unbelievable reason my therapeutic school just can't seem to understand. No matter how hard I try, I just cant get them to stop being so awful when it comes to my 1 trigger boundary. I want to tell them that that's why I've been so mean, but they've historically failed to grasp this concept so many times that I feel so so so lost atp. I've come to accept that it might be impossible to bridge this gap and I might just need to find a way to get through 24/7 PTSD episodes. I am so lost and so conflicted on this situation is crazy. I don't like being mean and have SO much guilt about it but the awful situation causing it was entirely preventable. Why can't these people take my PTSD seriously? Ugh.