I’ve never been the most extroverted person but the older I’ve gotten, the more socially isolated I’ve become. It’s gotten to the point where I spend all my free time in my room wasting away in some fashion. I work, waste my money on food, and watch tv.
A lot of it has to do with trauma, from early childhood and late college but nobody really cares. Everyone has something. Some people make the best of it and others get consumed by it. You can probably guess which one I am.
I have tried to get better. Over four years I’ve lost the belief I can get out of this. I’m to critical of everything, including myself. Therapy has helped and I’m better in a lot of ways but am still depressed and lack the interest to start again. My therapist would remind me of my lack of resilience and my victim mentality. That it all leads into my self loathing. Which I was always aware of, I just thought I was pathetic for it.
I’ve looked into volunteering and trying hobbies, but I can never bring myself to do it. It’s like I have an anchor tied around my waste and I can’t figure out how to cut it loose. So I spend my time sitting on the dock dreaming of the different lives I could have lived. Maybe I could have been cast as Spider man if I got into acting early, maybe a star athlete if I had more talent, or even an entrepreneur with ultimate business savvy that uses his wealth to fix the world… so stupid. A dumb man making himself feel better by fantasizing.
Everything I do feels wrong and leads me into feeling the same way. Maybe I should just accept who I am and stop whining about it. I try to have a different perspective, but continue to end up here. I don’t really know. It’s also tough to have hope when you keep falling short. Hell it’s tough to have hope when you keep seeing the world fall apart in the dumbest ways. Like how much money do you need 1%? Why can’t we just take care of each other? But hey… What do I know right? War, fear and sex is what sells.
Maybe my spark has been fanned out. I’ve already had to move on from my dreams for a corporate job I don’t like. I suppose I wasn’t happy chasing my dream either. Not everyone is special. I can always move back home and be with my 2 brothers. Probably 2 out of the 3 or 4 real friend I have.
If you made it to the end, thanks for reading this rant. Hope your well.